Jessalynn Biederstadt | Surviving Childhood Trauma: A Story of Resilience and Healing
Jessalynn Biederstadt, host of the Invisible Scars podcast and survivor of complex childhood trauma, most notably sexual assault at the age of ten, joins Nicole to share her harrowing journey from experiencing neglect, turmoil, and abuse to finding strength in facing her trauma head-on and the deep healing that followed. They discuss the difficulties of processing and acknowledging personal trauma, the importance of therapy, medication, and self-care in healing, and the power of speaking out and choosing to prioritize oneself. Jessalynn's bravery in sharing her experience is a beacon of hope for others navigating their path to recovering from deep-seated trauma, emphasizing the enduring power of courage, self-awareness, and the continuous journey towards healing.
Show Notes:
Follow Jessalynn on Instagram
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Listen to Scout Sobel’s “Here For Me” episode, Navigating Bipolar Disorder by Harnessing Emotions & Entrepreneurship
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Nicole: [00:00:00] This episode contains descriptions of childhood sexual assault. Please use discretion when listening.
Welcome to Here For Me, a podcast about the power of choosing yourself. I'm Nicole Christie, and I'm honored you're joining me for stories and conversations about life's disruptions, derailments, and transitions.
On this podcast, we talk about navigating challenges, walking through fire and along the way learning to show up for ourselves. Because, just as we say “I'm here for you” to show we care for someone, saying “I'm here for me” to ourselves is the best form of self-care.
Today I'm talking with Jessalynn Biederstadt. Jessalynn is the host of the Invisible Scars podcast, a wife, mother and survivor of complex trauma, most notably sexual assault at the age of ten in the notorious 1999 child pornography case in Willow River, British Columbia.
Jessalynn has spent three decades processing physical, mental, and emotional abuse, as well as time spent in foster care and women's shelters. She's passionate about sharing stories of strength and resilience, starting with her own. She's proof that facing trauma head on, doing the inner work and speaking openly about it is key to healing. We'll talk with Jessalynn about her experiences as a sexual assault survivor, navigating relationships after trauma, and how she built a life she once only dreamed of living.
Jessalynn, welcome to Here For Me.
Jessalynn: [00:01:38] Oh, thank you, Nicole, I'm so happy to be here.
Nicole: [00:01:40] I am honored to have you on to talk about your journey healing from deep trauma, particularly as it involves experiences that most people will not endure: childhood sexual assault, foster care, living in women's shelters. To walk through that amount of fire in a lifetime and emerge from it to find purpose and joy and love and meaning is truly commendable. So thank you for your courage and for sharing your story with us today.
Jessalynn: [00:02:11] Oh, thank you. It's so strange to hear somebody say it back to me. Sometimes I don't attach myself to it until I hear someone say it back and I'm like, oh crap, that was me, I think it's like a survival mechanism when you go through that level of trauma.
Nicole: [00:02:23] It's just part of your DNA at some point.
Jessalynn: [00:02:25] You’re right. It becomes a part of your DNA. It for sure does. Like, you just kind of feel like it's just a part of you that is just there. And it never really occurs to you that other people may find it really intense.
Nicole: [00:02:37] I find sometimes when you've processed lots of trauma, you almost tell it very matter of factly.
And if you're telling it to somebody who's never heard it before, they'll start having an emotional reaction and you're like, oh, right, this is heavy. Do you find that to be true?
Jessalynn: [00:02:51] Oh my gosh, yes. It's funny that you say it that way because I've never actually thought of it that way, but I do. I tell it almost like I'm telling someone else's story. Like I'm really emotionally detached from it sometimes. And you're right, I do forget. And then someone has a reaction. I'm like, oh, right. It's actually quite sensitive. Sorry. How are you?
Nicole: [00:03:07] Yeah, sorry. I didn't mean to, like, send you down a traumatic path.
But I remember sharing some of my story with a friend who hadn't known I had just separated from my husband. But this is a friend of mine in Seattle, and I've been in San Diego while so much of this was unfolding between us. And I'm sharing this with her over dinner. And she just pushed back from the table at a restaurant. She goes, I'm sorry, I need to ask you to stop because I'm going to be sick.
So you're either going to keep telling the story and I'm going to walk away and throw up in the bathroom, or we're going to talk about something light. And I don't mean to, to invalidate your experience. I want to hear about it, but I literally, I'm nauseous and I don't think it would be a good idea to throw up all of this lovely bistro.
Jessalynn: [00:03:45] It's that disassociation, right? Just survival mode. It's what you do to survive.
Nicole: [00:03:50] It's what you do to survive. It's a survival tactic 100%. So, speaking of surviving, let's get into it. I would love to start at the beginning of your journey. In the years prior to the Willow River case, what was the dynamic like in your home?
Jessalynn: [00:04:05] It was really traumatic from the time I was born. I was born to a really young mother who played around with drugs and did that kind of thing and was definitely not ready to be a mom. I don't think she knew who my dad was from the very beginning. And since I've kind of been sharing my own story I've learned a lot more about my early story and I always thought I didn't know who my dad was and it was just my mom and my grandparents. And I've learned that there was somebody around in the very beginning when I was first born. And I found this out because I ordered a copy of my birth certificate and I never thought anyone's name was on it and a strange name appeared when I got it.
So I ended up contacting this guy and what I've learned is in the beginning he thought he was my dad and he was around until I was about one and then my mom had decided he wasn't my dad and he kind of disappeared out of my life.
But those early days were hard, and I think my mom really struggled.
Jessalynn: [00:05:01] And I said to her, you didn't love me because I never felt that she did. And she said she felt like she couldn't connect to me. She was just so young and so much going on and there was a lot of neglect, a lot of partying that went on.
And she met my stepdad and they got married and had another baby. And it was just chaos from day one. They did a lot of drugs, there was a lot of partying, there was a lot of bikers in our home. I would wake up in the mornings and find mirrors with cocaine on it and I was like seven or eight, like I knew what those things were really early on. And looking after myself and looking after my younger brother, he was five years younger than me, I had to learn those survival skills.
So when I think about those early days it makes me sad that I never had a childhood and it makes me sad for the things I’ve seen. A lot of violence and neglect.
Nicole: [00:05:52] Did you feel like you were almost the parent?
Jessalynn: [00:05:55] Oh gosh, yeah.
Nicole: [00:05:56] You're obviously taking care of your little brother because your mom is caught up on all these other things. But I'm curious how that dynamic played out and then how has it affected relationships in your life going forward?
Jessalynn: [00:06:06] I was definitely a parental role from a very, very young age. I mean, I remember this one particular incident. My mom was very hung over the next day and it was Easter and my little brother just wanted to decorate Easter eggs. And she was sleeping on the couch and it was getting really late at night and she just snapped and picked up a toy and threw it at him to tell him to shut up, basically. And it hit his head and he was bleeding everywhere and I remember taking him into the bathroom and cleaning it up and getting him a bandaid and thinking at a young age, like this isn't right, like I shouldn't be doing this, I don't know what to do. So that really was the dynamic between him and I. I was always there to protect him. I got us off to school, even when he was in kindergarten.
And there were incidences where we were left home alone overnight when we should not have been. I was in elementary school, like probably grade four, and left home alone overnight with my brother and I remember we didn't have a toaster, so I was making a bagel for him in the oven and it, it fell through the crack and lit on fire and I didn't know what to do.
It was things like that, that when I look back, it makes me really sad for both of us.
Nicole: [00:07:13] Has that caused you to be almost hyper-independent or toxically self reliant?
Jessalynn: [00:07:19] Yes, I very much have had this I can do it myself attitude which, thinking about that, as an adult and as a new mom, when I had my daughter, I refused to ask for help. I didn't know how to do it. It made me feel embarrassed, it made me feel weak and I suffered in silence, as a new mom in particular for a long time. But even to this day, like my husband, he gets so frustrated with me. Like I just won't accept help. I’m working on it.
Nicole: [00:07:47] Is your mom in your life still? Do you have a relationship with her?
Jessalynn: [00:07:51] No, you know, it was a really traumatic childhood with her. There was no love, there was only fear. And every weekend I would try and be somewhere at my aunt's house or a friend's house. And the main thing I remember from my childhood was Sunday. When it would be time for me to go home, I would just hysterically bawl and beg them not to send me home.
And when I think about what that must've been like for the adults in my life that were there to try and protect me and help me, how gut-wrenching that must've been on Sundays when they'd have to send me back there. But I was always told you know, when you're 12, you can decide where you want to go. You'll have a voice.
And, knowing what I know now, a lot of questions around why no one called social services, why they didn't step in, and they were so afraid of what she would do, if she would take me away. At least if they didn't rock the boat, they could have me every weekend and know I was safe and give me a place to go.
But the day after my 12th birthday I refused to go home and that was it. That was the last time my mom and I really spoke. She was very angry and lots of threats. I mean, the last thing that my mom really said to me at 12 was, if you ever step foot on my doorstep again, I will effing kill you. So I left with the clothes on my back. Everything I knew as a 12 year old girl, my toys, my books, anything that meant something to me I had to leave behind, and I was willing to do that.
Nicole: [00:09:24] Yeah, because you knew that it wasn't safe. Did your brother stay with her?
Jessalynn: [00:09:28] For a short period of time. Obviously, at that point my mom was really angry and someone called social services. I don't know if it was her or someone else, but social services got involved finally and started investigating and eventually they took my brother as well. So my mom really didn't want me living where I was living. She was really upset and it was my safe place and I think she was just really angry.
And I remember coming home from school one day and there was a strange car in the driveway and I walked in the house and there was a lady standing there and all my stuff was in black garbage bags. And my uncle was just like I'm sorry, Jess, I'm sorry. And it was a social worker there to take me to foster care.
So they took us to foster care, my brother as well. We ended up, thankfully, in the same place. And not everyone has the same story, but my foster parents were amazing. To this day I have so much respect for them. But that's kind of where our journey in foster care began.
Nicole: [00:10:28] And how long were you in foster care? Is that until age 18?
Jessalynn: [00:10:32] You know I could have been probably. I mean, I was very close with the people that I was fortunate enough to live with, but I think I was only there a year. They created such a safe, peaceful place for me to live that at 12 years old, I mean my whole life I'd never experienced that and it became so uncomfortable that I couldn't do it. The peace was so uncomfortable for me and it came to a point where my brother got to go live with his dad, and I'll never forget the night he left. I was there alone. We shared a room and I just cried so hysterically on the floor and I couldn't get off the floor of our bedroom.
It was such a gut-wrenching feeling. I mean getting into the abuse a little bit. I carried so much guilt about what had happened to the two of us, so to have him removed from me was heartbreaking.
Nicole: [00:11:27] I want to talk about that. At the age of nine, you were sexually assaulted. You were one of the victims of a case that went to trial in 1999, resulting in the couple who assaulted you being convicted of five counts of sexual assault, three counts of drugging victims into compliance, and three counts of publishing child pornography with victims ranging in age from three to 18.
Walk us through what happened.
Jessalynn: [00:11:53] Yeah, I will never forget. It's burned into my memory. It's a part of my DNA. You know, going back in time a little bit, my mom and my stepdad were together, and lots of partying, lots of drugs. And one night, my parents were at a friend's house partying. And they usually would drive us home really late, like one, two in the morning.
And I remember on this particular night on the way home, they said we were going to stop and see my papa, my mom's dad. And we pulled into this trailer park and it felt weird, but I was excited to see my papa. We were very, very close. And they took us inside and my papa was sitting at a table right at the front door with his arm on my shoulder.
The table looking straight ahead. And I remember walking in so excited and I was like, Papa, Oh my gosh. And it was the first time in my life. He didn't acknowledge me. He wouldn't look at me. His whole demeanor was just very serious and very different. And there was an older man and a really young girl sitting on the counter.
And I remember thinking she's so pretty. She was very young. I think she was like 18 at the time. And we were told to go in the living room and sit down. And my mom and my stepdad and my papa and these other two. We're talking and I just was so upset. I thought I had done something wrong to make my papa not acknowledge me or embrace me.
And looking back now, I think I understand it, but that was the first time we met our abusers. And from there they became friends with my parents. They were around all the time and they started asking if I could babysit their baby. And keep in mind, I'm nine I felt excited that somebody thought I was mature enough to do this.
And it was an overnight babysitting job, 40 minutes out of town at their trailer on a school night. And thinking about it now, how many red flags are we hearing as we talk about this?
Nicole: [00:13:46] Sure. But at nine you're like, I have no idea.
Jessalynn: [00:13:49] And you know, I remember the 40 minute drive out to her house. She would drive in to get me from my house and she would say things to me like are you a light sleeper? And you know I'm going to babysit overnight a baby. So my immediate reaction is, oh yes, I'm a light sleeper. Like don't worry, I'll hear the baby. And it quickly turned into no, our house is so noisy, I'm going to give you this pill to help you sleep. So I took it and you know I don't remember a thing about babysitting.
I remember her dressing me in the morning, walking me down a hallway and then the next thing I remember I'm in the lineup at elementary school. So this happened quite a bit. And as this went on, my brother was invited to come along. And again, no memories ever.
And I remember talking to my trusted adults at the time, who I was very close with, and telling her you know, they give me these pills and I don't remember what goes on when this happens. And I remember her just being like what, oh my gosh, like don't take them next time. And thinking about that now it upsets me because as a mom, it wouldn't be, don't take them. It would very much be. You are never going there again. What the hell is going on? We need to get the bottom of this. But different time, different generation.
So the next time we went back you know I talk about grooming on my podcast quite a bit and for those who are listening that don't understand what that is, it's very much getting somebody to trust you, getting these kids and their parents to trust you, and laying the groundwork to get to know you on a deeper level and have this connection where you don't ever suspect something's wrong.
So for me what that looked like was they really played heavily on my relationship with my mother and would say we know that you're having a hard time with your mom. My mom was the same way and she would try and connect with me in those kinds of ways. So the last time my brother and I ever went out there and you know we were going there for probably a year or more and the last time we went out they picked us up and said we're not actually going out tonight. Things have been hard at home, so we thought we would just get you out and I remember like that day we played outside, we went for a bike ride, they introduced me to their neighbors. We had pizza, we played games. I thought to myself Nicole, I wish these were my parents.
Nicole: [00:16:06] Oh.
Nicole: [00:16:07] They're doing a good job on the grooming.
Jessalynn: [00:16:10] Right? That's just, like, yeah, I was emotionally bonded. I did not want to go home. I was like, their daughter is so lucky to have them as parents. It's really hard to accept that now.
But that voice in my head from my trusted adult telling me, you know, don't take them next time, was there. And that night she told me she was going to give me two of the pills because they were weaker at this time. And I had a napkin in my hand from eating pizza. And when she wasn't looking, I slipped those pills into the napkin and I didn't take them.
That was the last night we ever went there. I remember everything that happened, and everything that happened to my brother is burned into my memory.
Nicole: [00:16:54] Despite the fact that you were not drugged. It happened anyways. And now you have recollection.
Jessalynn: [00:16:59] They tried. After I took the pills, She said she was going to put me in bed and typically we would sleep on the couch because there's no other rooms in that trailer. And she said she was going to put me in bed with her husband because he was already asleep.
And she said, don't worry, he's asleep. So she walked me down the hallway and put me in bed. And you know, it was maybe five minutes before he rolled over and he was trying to do stuff to me. And touch me and you know, he was completely naked and I was shocked. I remember being so scared. I didn't know what to do.
And all I could do was roll on my stomach and cover myself. And he kept trying and it didn't take him very long to realize I wasn't complying, so something wasn't right. And I remember him getting up and walking down the hallway and leaving and I was so scared and I got up and sat on the edge of the bed. And the wife Crystal came down and she was very angry with me and asked me if I took the pills and I said no.
And she had said that her husband Jim was only doing that to me to test me to see if I would ever do anything to hurt their daughter, and that they were very upset with me, and she was going to take me to the couch, and I was so scared my legs could hardly move. I remember shaking and, you know, it's a trailer.
So there's one hallway and she's walking me back and I'm thinking, Oh my God, I'm going to have to walk past him. But he was nowhere to be found knowing what I know. Now there was a room that they had closed off. It was called his office. We were never allowed to go in there, but that's where the whole trailer was outfitted in a closed circuit camera system.
And that's where he could see everything that was happening. So he was in that room and she took me to the couch and put me to bed and walked away. I just laid there. I was so scared and I could see my brother on the couch across from me and he was asleep and I was thinking, what do I do? I have to do something.
I was terrified at this point and I could hear footsteps coming down the hall and I knew it was him. And so I just laid there as still as I could, pretending to be asleep, and he walked right over to me, still no clothes on, and put his two hands on my arm, because I was laying on my side, and just stood there like this game of chicken, waiting for me to move, and I would not move, and finally he let go. it felt like forever.
And finally he let go of me and walked over to the other couch and picked up my three year old brother and went down the hall. And that was the hardest moment of my life.
Nicole: [00:19:44] Oh my God, your brother was one of the younger victims of this. From that moment where you're sitting there going, I'm now aware of what's happening and I'm watching this unfold and I can't protect my brother. Walk us through what happens after this.
Jessalynn: [00:19:59] After that moment I'm in full panic and I can't protect my brother.
First of all, I'm nine. And then second, I'm terrified of these people and my initial reaction is, okay, I need help. And I get up and I'm running around the trailer as quietly as I can and I'm looking for a phone. And it is the first time I ever realized there's no phone here. Which is really odd because I'd been out there babysitting for the last year but I never knew there wasn't a phone because I was always drugged.
So there's no phone. And then I think, okay, they just introduced me to the neighbors. If I run as fast as I can, I can get to the neighbors. And I went for the door and I stopped myself. And I just thought, what if the neighbors are in on it? And I'm screwed and they killed me. And you know, it's interesting, like talking about that inner voice, because my inner voice has always been so strong since I was a really young girl, because I had to analyze a room before I walked into it, since I was so young, because I never knew what kind of mood my mom was going to be in and I had to know, am I safe?
What can I say? What can't I say? How hard can I push? Am I in danger? So those muscles inside of me, I'd been exercising them my whole life and, knowing what I know now through trial, they would have killed me. So I spent my whole life thinking that I let my brother down, but I really think that I saved our lives that night by not running and not trying to get help.
So from there I've blocked it all out. I don't remember the next morning. I don't remember what happened.
I was with my grandfather a few weeks later and he went to the guy, Jim, that did this to us. He stopped by his work and I'll never forget. Jim walked up to the truck on my side, on the passenger side, and got me to roll down the window and brushed my cheek with his hand and I've never been so scared in my life and I don't know why we never went back.
I've been in touch with one of the other victims. I recorded with her on my own podcast. We knew each other through the two of them. These two that did this to us. The girl was her cousin and we met through these people and it's interesting to me what I've learned now about how they really messed with the other victims.
And how sometimes they would drug them and sometimes they wouldn't and after some of them remembered, they still kept showing up and threatening them and threatening to kill these young kids, but kept abusing them. And my brother and I were the only ones that didn't happen to. And that's been really hard for me to understand.
Nicole: [00:22:36] Yeah. What's the difference?
Jessalynn: [00:22:37] I have some ideas. You know, one thing I really struggled with my whole life was if my grandfather in particular knew, and if my mom knew what they were doing to us because they were just so close. They were so intertwined. They spent so much time together. And thinking back to how my grandfather behaved the first night he introduced us to them and [00:23:00] thinking about how they messed with every other victim except us the second we knew what was going on, I have come to the conclusion that, and again, I have no proof. I'm just going off what I believe. I think that there was an arrangement made, and I think that between my grandfather and my mom, it was very much because they were also selling drugs with these people. It was as long as we didn't know what was happening, they could do these things to us in exchange for whatever. And once we found out, it just doesn't make sense why we’ve never seen them again.
Nicole: [00:23:33] I'm glad you had a safe person to talk to, even though, like you said, it would have been nice if the person found a way to get you to not be with them anymore. But the fact that you didn't take the drugs that night, that you had a strong gut at nine years old to know not to run because they would have killed you and your brother and then to leave.
So jumping back to where we were when you decided, I'm not going back home, and then you and your brother find your way into foster care. It does make sense to me that that would be why you were protected isn't the right word, because you weren't protected at all, and that's heartbreaking.
I'm curious how you have made sense of that through the work that you have done, healing your own trauma. How was it impacting your life and how did you start healing this incredibly traumatic experience and finding tools and resources to do so?
Jessalynn: [00:24:30] Earlier, we were talking about being so detached from your own story and being so detached from your own trauma, and I really lived that and I think this was a big case in Canada. This was a really big case in BC and it went to trial and I had to testify in front of a jury and in front of these people and you know, that in itself was incredibly traumatizing.
Nicole: [00:24:52] And can I ask real quick? It was 1989, but when they finally arrested these people and took it to trial. How long was it from the time that you never went back at, you know, 9, 10 years old?
Jessalynn: [00:25:03] It was within a year to two years. They were actually arrested on my 10th birthday. So the trial itself was really traumatizing. And after the trial, my family didn't want to talk about it. And you have to remember too, that number one, it's the 90s. And what we know now about trauma and mental health is so different than what we were equipped with. It was nonexistent, and it was very much a generation of we get through it and then we sweep it under the rug, and we're not going to talk about it because no one needs to be reminded of these awful things. So after the trial happened, it's important to remember, too. You know, the trauma didn't stop.
It kept going because at that point, I leave my mom's and then I'm in foster care. And then I'm also reeling as a teenager from all these things I've been through with very little support. So then I tried to kill myself, and I went through all these different stages of chaos. So I really detached myself from it for many, many years, and it showed up in so many ways.
I really didn't give a crap about myself. I felt like I was unworthy. I thought that so much of my worth was wrapped up in how I looked, and if I appeared okay on the outside, if I looked a certain way, no one would have a freaking clue what I was going through. And I shut myself off from everything, the good and the bad. I was reactive, I was angry, I was sensitive, I was emotional, I was reckless, I couldn't handle peace.
I couldn't handle being loved in the way that I wanted to be loved. I couldn't handle it. I didn't know how to receive it. And it's been a really long road.
And when I think about how I got to that point of wanting to heal, it literally was something that had nothing to do with my trauma. It wasn't this aha moment of like oh, I've had all this pain, it's time for me to start healing. It was something that happened with a friend. I hit emotional rock bottom.
What had happened really shook me and it sent me into therapy and I had a terrible experience with therapy as a kid and I really did not attempt therapy for anything that had happened to me. No one in my family wanted to talk about what had happened. So much so to the point where I, for many years thought I had dreamt this up, that this was a story I had told myself because I was so detached.
So when I started therapy for this other issue, it really started to unravel three decades of things I had been hiding and denying myself from feeling, denying being honest with myself about, and it was showing up in my body. I mean, I was always sick. My husband jokes like you were built on a Friday, like there's always something going on with me, and I was so detached and emotionally charged and it really started to unravel the things that I needed to address.
Nicole: [00:28:00] What did that look like as you started to unpack that trauma? What are you going through and what was helpful to you in terms of, like I call it, building an emotional toolbox of. These are some survival techniques, but now I have healthy coping mechanisms.
How did that journey unfold for you and how did you learn to lean on things that really helped you to begin healing?
Jessalynn: [00:28:22] I'm so glad you asked this, because I often think that people are like, oh, you go to therapy for these hard things, and you just work it out and you come out magically like, okay, you just see the other side.
Nicole: [00:28:31] I call that mental masturbating, you know, like some people go to therapy and they're like, and I go to the appointment and I talk and I'm better. And you're like, oh, yeah. And I was one of those people. So continue.
Jessalynn: [00:28:40] You know, it was a really interesting time in my life. There's a long line of neglect and mental health issues. I could write a book on my family and the things that not just myself but other people in my family have experienced generational trauma over and over, and I was going through something where someone incredibly close to me in my family I want to say maybe their trauma was starting to show up and they were unequipped to deal with it, so they had made the choice to not be a part of our life. So again I am going through a deep season of loss. I'm losing this friendship that was important to me, I'm losing close family members, I'm in therapy, and all of this is happening at once.
And I want to share with everybody what the key trigger was for me, because sometimes something will happen to you that you don't realize is actually triggering something traumatic from the past. And through these therapy sessions I realized that it wasn't necessarily what this person had done to me. It was what this person was asking of me and they were asking me to not tell anybody about something they did to me and it really triggered this part of me from when I was little and I was told by my sexual abusers. You can never tell anyone or we'll kill your family. And I was told by my parents, if we see this person in our family, you can't tell the other person. Like I spent my entire life being told, I couldn't tell the truth about what was happening to me.
Nicole: [00:30:05] You do invalidate yourself and keep secrets about your own life.
Jessalynn: [00:30:09] And I was being asked to keep another secret about something that really, really hurt me. And that was the trigger. And, you know, talk about bad timing. When you don't deal with your trauma, it's going to show up at the worst possible time.
Nicole: [00:30:21] I call that getting hit in the ass with a wet pancake. Yes, yes. Like, oh, and then there's all these people who didn't deserve it, who are probably, you know, fine in your life. And you're like, whoops, I'm going to just barf all my trauma onto you.
Jessalynn: [00:30:36] Yes. You know, I was in the process of launching a brand new business. We were about to move. We were looking for a new home. It was all of these things. It was just things.
Nicole: [00:30:46] Were unfolding that are just great.
Jessalynn: [00:30:49] Yes. And, you know, when it happened, you know, I started in therapy. And I'm going to be honest with you, those were dark fricking days.
There were days where I could not get out of bed. There were days where I would sit in a dark room and cry and cry and cry until it was time to go get my daughter from school. I'd wash my face, go get her, take her to dance, and then crawl back into bed. I was sleeping every hour I could sleep.
My husband would sit there and hold me while I would hysterically cry. And it was dark and.
Nicole: [00:31:20] Massive delayed grief.
Jessalynn: [00:31:21] Oh, it was painful. But I also, I laugh because I went through this moment where I knew I needed answers. There was so much of my life that had been kept secret from me. There were so many answers that I felt I needed in order to move on, specifically surrounding my grandfather and my mom.
My grandfather is now passed, so I knew I was never going to get those answers from him. But I went on a rampage and I called every single person I could think of that I haven't talked to in like 20 years and I was like, Oh, knowledge is power and I was, I would message them on Facebook and be like, Hey, do you think we could chat?
And they'd be like, sure, here's my number. Like my poor stepdad who was married to my mom, you know. He didn't see it coming and I called him and I was just like how did you think it was okay for a nine-year-old to be babysitting in the middle of fricking nowhere on a school night? What happened when the cops found out? How did you find out? How did you react? Who knew? And you know I really went down the rabbit hole of getting all the answers I possibly could.
Nicole: [00:32:26] You know what I'm seeing and feeling as you're talking about that is first of all, you had this super strong gut and I sense that probably a lot of what you learned confirmed your gut.
So you're like, I have a strong sense of intuition and you walked into a sense of empowerment that was taken from you when you were a child. So you're like, fuck this. I'm walking into it now.
Jessalynn: [00:32:44] Mmhm. You know, I really felt at that point. Like I said, I had hit emotional rock bottom, but I truly felt at that point I had nothing left to lose. The closest person in my family was going through something of their own and I didn't have that person to rely on. I had nothing left to lose. I stopped caring about keeping everybody's secrets. It was so damaging to me and to my family. It was damaging to my daughter and I could see the damage that was being done generation after generation, and I couldn't do it anymore.
Nicole: [00:33:21] You’re the disrupter.
Jessalynn: [00:33:22] You know I am. Yes. The scapegoat. Right? I'm the scapegoat. Often referred to as well.
Nicole: [00:33:27] But also the cycle breaker.
Jessalynn: [00:33:29] The cycle breaker
Nicole: [00:33:30] I can't take it anymore.
Jessalynn: [00:33:32] You can't. It's interesting once you get to that point, though, Nicole, because once you see certain things, you can't unsee them.
Nicole: [00:33:38] And I feel like you sense, like you said, it's damaging you. It's damaging your daughter. You're like, I'm depressed, I can't get out of bed.
Jessalynn: [00:33:44] Also damaging my marriage.
Nicole: [00:33:46] Yeah. And you have someone, I mean, and you've been together 16 years, 15 years. I mean, this is someone that's been your rock even then for a very long time. And after not having a rock and being your own rock for so many years, welcome to here for me where you're your own rock.
You're like, I can't lose that. You got to that point of like, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want answers. I want power. In addition to knowledge, which I'm a big fan of that, you know, sometimes you have to confirm your gut in order to trust it. What were some of the other modalities you have done to process this deeply traumatic experience that you've been through?
Jessalynn: [00:34:23] For me, therapy was the biggest thing for me, especially coming from a background where I didn't believe in therapy. When I was a kid, after all of the sexual abuse happened, they sent me for the crown or whatever they do, they send you for therapy. And they had sent me to the sexual assault center in our hometown, but my mother was the receptionist at the sexual assault center.
So it was not a safe space. She would read my file and then use it against me, what I would say at home. And so I did not believe in therapy. I was a hard no. And one of the things about COVID. that I actually really appreciate, which there are not many, this may be the only thing, is just the ability to do therapy over the phone.
And especially when you live in such a deep shame with your trauma, it's hard to sit in front of somebody and watch their facial expression change or watch their body language change. And whether it happens or not, you're just looking for it because you're insecure and you are living in such deep shame about what you've done or been through.
And I loved that I could speak to somebody on the phone. I came from a really small town and I didn't trust that patient client privilege would be upheld in a very small town and not saying anyone has ever done that. It was just my own fear.
Nicole: [00:35:37] It's your own fears. But you had no reason to trust anyone, and particularly adults who didn't keep you safe.
Jessalynn: [00:35:42] So therapy was a really big one for me. Meditating has been something that I have been doing in the last year. I wasn't able to do it early on because my mind never shut off. I couldn't sit still. So that's something I've really developed. And sometimes I'm hesitant to say this part just because I'm not a doctor and I don't like to push medication.
I was also against medication for many, many years because I believe that the early days of being on an antidepressant as a teenager, for any of us who's ever been on one, you know, that it tends to get worse for a few weeks before it gets better. And that ultimately is what led to me trying to kill myself.
So I was really scared to take anything, but I lived with the most intense anxiety. I was in fight or flight mode for 35 years. I don't even know how I survived. And my best friend is a psychologist and she had said to me for years, you know, Jessalynn, you do not have to live this way. People don't always live like this.
There are people that don't live with this crippling anxiety and finally, after all of this stuff kind of happened with my family member and my friend, I knew it was time And I'm not here to push medication, but I would not be where I am without it. It changed my life. I didn't know what a regulated nervous system was.
I look back and I want to cry because I can't believe I allowed myself to live in that. Missing these moments of my daughter's childhood because I couldn't sit still and play on the floor with her. Like, just the reactiveness. It makes me sad, but that was a big one for me, was number one, regulating my nervous system so that I could function because without that, I don't believe that you can process the pain that you need to process.
Nicole: [00:37:22] You can't at all. Like getting control of that vagal is so key.
But to your point, and I have dear friends who have said the same. So I've seen this play out. I think sometimes, like you said, I couldn't do medication. It's not even possible to try meditation or give yourself over to Reiki or acupuncture without that, because there is a chemical imbalance that may have been induced by trauma. When you've talked about the mind body connection, how you were sick, that's what I went through with my trauma too.
So sometimes it's like, sorry, we have to get this chemically balanced and then we can open ourselves to other things. And whether that's temporary or it's forever, no judgment, it worked for you. The most important piece of it is you can sit and process it now. That's all that matters.
Jessalynn: [00:38:03] Oh my gosh, yes, like I could never be alone before. I couldn't be alone for more than five minutes. It really gave me a lot of anxiety to ever be alone or sit with my thoughts. I crave that now, like I, I love the time I have by myself.
And one key thing that I found incredibly helpful, I'm very much a visual learner and learning about my trauma and why my body is reacting a certain way or why I'm so reactive or why I'm not able to connect with my husband sometimes or why I'm running away from affection from my kids sometimes. Learning about my trauma, how it shows up and the reasons I am the way I am and that it is possible to change it was so key for me.
I didn't feel like there was something inherently wrong with me that I was just incredibly effed up. But that being said, I also couldn't sit down and read a book because I couldn't sit still. I couldn't remember what I was reading. So that's another area that, you know, medication came into play and it also helped me understand.
I think understanding your trauma is really key.
Nicole: [00:39:08] Yeah. And being able to unpack it, it's not possible without that first.
Jessalynn: [00:39:13] I don't know if you felt the same, but I spent so many years, like generations before me, thinking, if I just don't feel it and think about it, it'll go away. I'm good, it won't affect me, it won't affect my life, and it just couldn't have been more wrong. And now I'm very purposeful about when something comes up. I will sit down and be like okay, I need to feel this, what am I feeling, what am I really reacting to? And it's helped me immensely.
Nicole: [00:39:47] And I did go through that. Learning the hard way of if I let this build and build and build, it hits me in the ass like a wet pancake. There are people then in my life who don't deserve the meltdown that's happening because I didn't give it the attention it needed in the moment.
Even just this week, I'll give like a really weird example, but I'm processing some kind of grief that I'm trying to dig into and I started digging into it yesterday. I was like, what is happening? Why do I keep crying? Just sit and do it. Just sit down and feel it and process it and dig into what this might be.
You might not figure out in that moment, but the feeling is like, I don't know if you feel this. For me, it's like a clearing of the clouds. And then there's some degree of emotional and cerebral clarity. But you have to just feel the emotion and maybe it's just passing, maybe you will not sort it out in that moment, but you're right when you stuff it and stuff it and stuff it and stuff it.
Jessalynn: [00:40:40] I know it's so interesting to like. I really think that a lot of times, people who've been through intense trauma but they haven't started to process it yet, you're scared to visit that and you're scared to process it and feel those things. I get it. It is difficult, but the thing is, is I don't believe that I'll ever be fully recovered.
It's just going to be in recovery forever and able to process things and learning more about myself. I have to say, though, how hard it was over the last two years to really dive into this. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I know myself so much better. I like myself so much more. I don't think I've ever liked myself in my entire life until now.
Nicole: [00:41:18] Yeah, I think it's an acceptance too. I think there's real healing in owning your whole experience and unpacking it as you have. I mean, I've talked to people about my own journey. They're like I don't think I could do that. I don't want to know, I don't want to go to Reiki, I'm afraid what I'll see. You know, people said that, I'm like oh, it is hard, exactly what you said.
But when you walk through the fire, as you have, a friend of mine says, when you walk through fire, there are people waiting on the other side with buckets. So yeah, you had people there for you. And now you're like, oh, I own my experience. That disarmament. owning cuts you off from yourself.
It cuts you off from other humans. It cuts you off from joy. People think that when they close their heart down to pain, I'm just going to not feel you close your heart down to absolutely everything. Joy can't get in either. Light can't get in either. So you know, the Leonard Cohen, “crack it open and that's where the light gets in”.
So I just want to acknowledge you for walking that painful journey. And the light radiates, just looking at you.
Jessalynn: [00:42:18] Oh, thank you. Yeah. You know, it's a funny thing that happens too, that I spent so much of my adult life and my teen life thinking how much I hated my mother and how angry I was at her. And it's very strange now, you know, I've had a conversation with her in the last year after many, many years of not, I don't hate her anymore.
I feel, I don't want to say an immense gratitude for the life that, that I led because it was painful, but I also really love my life now. And I don't know that I would be this empathetic of a person or this driven of a person or this self aware if I hadn't been through what I had been through. And I do believe she made a lot of life-altering mistakes that she can't take back that were really painful.
But I also believe that it started long before she was even born and she did the best that she was capable of doing. And I just have to accept that.
Nicole: [00:43:24] And that level of empathy, I think, allows you to let go with compassion and grace, right?, of just seeing that and then have that for yourself.
So you now have your husband, you have a daughter, you have a stepdaughter, you had your own business. You've walked through this fire.
I'm with you. I don't know that you ever get on the other side of it. But healing is always a process.
With everything that you have been through, everything you've shared with us today. What is the biggest thing that you have learned about being here for yourself?
Jessalynn: [00:44:00] That I am capable enough on my own. I am strong enough on my own. But it's also okay to let people in. It is safe to let people in and that not everyone is going to hurt me the way that I've been hurt before. And if they do, I can find my way out. I just don't want to shut out the joy anymore.
Nicole: [00:44:19] Yeah, and just what we were just talking about, right? You figured out how to do that, and I sense that part of this healing process for you, too, is you have great energetic boundaries.
Jessalynn: [00:44:27] Oh, yes.
Nicole: [00:44:29] Yeah. So, you know…
Jessalynn: [00:44:29] I'm very good at that. I wasn't for many, many years.
Nicole: [00:44:32] Right? Because for a long time it's walls. Right? It's just walls.
Everybody's shut out because you're like, I can take care of myself. I don't need anything. And then you kind of, one of my therapists called it a chain link fence. I can reach through and connect with the positive without letting the negative impact me. And I feel like you're embodying that.
Jessalynn: [00:44:49] Yes, thank you so much. Yeah, it definitely is, and you know you're right. But then often, when I was feeling really lonely and like I couldn't connect, I would let people treat me a certain way. That wasn't okay because I didn't feel I deserve better. So it's this weird balancing act of trying to keep people out and then also letting the wrong people in.
Nicole: [00:45:09] Yeah, and learning to sort that wheat from the chaff. And then also, I feel like you now trust yourself to know how to do that.
Jessalynn: [00:45:16] That's a big part of the healing process too, right? Is learning to trust yourself and realizing like, oh, my gut is right. That is telling me something. And not three months later being like, oh, I think I knew that.
Nicole: [00:45:26] Yeah, I knew what to do and I didn't do it. But your research and your knowledge hunt that you did, sounds like that confirmed. I did have a sense of even as a nine year old girl, the things that were not right, that were happening to me and I, and I learned to trust that intuition.
Jessalynn: [00:45:42] Totally. Yes. I'm very proud of that now.
Nicole: [00:45:44] Well, I am very proud of you and your journey and sharing your story. This is a tough one to share and you share it with such grace and beauty.
So, Jessalynn, thank you so much for joining me. And I just have to acknowledge you again for embracing something difficult and making beauty on the other side of darkness.
Jessalynn: [00:46:02] Well, I thank you so much, Nicole.
Nicole: [00:46:08] Jessalynn Biederstadt is a testament to the power of facing trauma head on, and that it's never too late to heal. After decades of blocking horrific memories of childhood sexual assault and parental neglect, she paid attention to a trigger, let it lead her into therapy, and commenced a journey of addressing profound, complex trauma.
As Jessalynn shared, she doesn't believe she'll ever be fully recovered. That instead, recovery is a journey that allows her to process things and learn more about herself. While that healing work is painful, the result is beautiful.
As she said, she knows herself so much better, likes herself so much more, and wouldn't trade that for anything.
But we live in a world that historically has encouraged people to circumvent trauma, to get over it and forget it. To pretend it never happened, to choose resistance over resilience, the latter of which is only built when we walk through the fire of our trauma, feeling the heat and the burn, then rising from the ashes as we do the work to heal our wounds. But to do that, we have to stop pretending everything is fine.
As Jessalynn and I discussed, when you shut out pain, you shut out everything. If you put up walls to keep the bad stuff out, the good stuff can't get in either. Or, as Leonard Cohen sang, there's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
On Scout Sobel's episode of Here For Me, we talked about how doing the work involves admitting hard truths about ourselves, our experiences, the people in our lives. It involves making hard choices, the ones we don't want to do but know we have to do.
Doing the work doesn't feel good. No longer pretending everything is fine doesn't feel good. Acknowledging the cracks doesn't feel good. But when the light gets in, there's healing. There's growth. There's peace.
Seeing the world illuminated, feeling fully alive and aware for the first time in this earthly incarnation is worth every step of the healing journey. It's worth saying this happened, I admit it, I face it, I own it, and now it's teaching me to show up fully to life for myself in alignment. Because actually it didn't happen to me, it happened for me. And I can't wait to see what happens next.
Here For Me is produced by Lens Group Media in association with Tulla Productions. As is often said, it takes a village to make this podcast, and my deepest gratitude goes out to every person in that village: our producers Dave Nelson and Stacy Harris, our audio editor, JD Delgado, designer and illustrator Amy Senftleben, and our production assistant, Sarah Carefoot. If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love it if you'd follow the show, rate, review, and share it with people you love. You can also follow me on Instagram at nicolejchristie. Until next time, thank you so much for listening—here's to you being here for you and to the power of choosing yourself.