How Cancer Helped Me Reclaim My Voice with Derek Vanderhorst
Acclaimed musician, sound designer, and re-recording mixer for film and television Derek Vanderhorst joins the show to discuss his own fight with head and neck cancer, and how losing nearly everything led him to create a more purposeful life.
Show Notes:
Visit Derek’s website, derekvmusic.com.
Listen to his album, Wildflower.
Visit the head and neck cancer care page of UCLA Health.
CDC background information: How Many Cancers Are Linked with HPV Each Year?
Allen Rascoe’s website for voice lessons.
NIH report: Therapeutic Singing as a Swallowing Intervention in Head and Neck Cancer Patients With Dysphagia
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[00:00:03] Welcome to Here For Me — a podcast about the power of choosing yourself. I'm Nicole Christie, and I'm honored to be here with you to share stories, lessons learned, and advice from leading experts that will help you show up for yourself with the love, honor, compassion, and encouragement you give to others. Because just as we say: ‘I'm here for you’ to show we care for someone, saying ‘I'm here for me’ to ourselves is the best form of self-care.
In the first two episodes, I shared how an autoimmune response to a simple virus led to me losing several layers of skin and all my toenails. And then nine months later, I was diagnosed with ocular cancer. These experiences illuminated how I wasn't showing up for myself and in fact completely abandoning myself throughout my life: not setting boundaries, people pleasing, subjugating my needs, and more. As is often the case, trauma taught me hard-won lessons. But I came out the other side stronger, more self-aware, and with a lot more self-respect. But my journey isn't unusual. The phrase, “Be kind: everyone is fighting a hard battle” has been circulating a lot, particularly over the last few years, as our world has endured the COVID-19 pandemic. But I've always been curious about people's hard battles, what they've been through, how they felt during a difficult time, and most important; how it shaped them, and changed how they showed up not just in the world, but for themselves.
[00:01:38] Today I'm talking about some of those hard battles with Derek Van der Horst. After 20 years as a successful Hollywood musician, sound designer, and rerecording mixer for film and television, His work includes the Academy Award-nominated No Country for Old Men, as well as Hidden Figures and the Eyes of Tammy Faye. Derek is forging a new career in music as a singer songwriter. The impetus for this mid-life mid-career shift was a diagnosis with stage-four head and neck cancer in 2016. Derek's doctors told him he might lose his voice or worse, his life. After successfully battling cancer, he knew he could no longer put his lifelong passion for music on hold. And after hundreds of hours in vocal rehab, he reclaimed his voice as a folk Americana artist. He released his first solo album, Wildflower, which captures this journey, in November 2021, and he joins me today to talk about this life-altering experience that changed how he shows up to life and for himself.
NC: Derek, I know your story because we're friends, and you were really helpful to me while I went through my eye cancer journey. Tell everybody the story of what happened.
[00:02:51] DV: So I was the classic workaholic working in film, mixing and doing sound design, and I was mixing on a film over at Universal at the time, and I had a lump starting on our first temp. We do these like audience previews to test the film, and it's called the “temp dub.” So premix, we'll do a three or four day mix before we show an audience. And on our first one, I had a lump that was starting and by the time we got to our final mix a few months later, the lump was so big (and people won't be able to see my beard), but my beard was also gigantic and the other mixer saw the lump through my beard. Oh man. And I was telling myself that it was a swollen gland, but when he saw it through my beard, I was like, alright, it's probably time to go see a doctor. So went the next week to a doctor and kind of all hell broke loose from that. He brought me into his office, sat me down and was like, “Look, this is serious. I know a great surgeon. I want to get a biopsy right away, but I want you to see him tonight.” This was like 4pm on a Friday. So he called the surgeon, Dr. Namazie, and said, “Hey, I got a guy I want you to look at right away.” And he said, “I'm on my way home. I'll turn around and go back to my office.” So I went over and they put this scope camera up your nose and down your throat. And he was like, “I do my surgeries on Tuesday. Let's schedule you for Tuesday.” And I said, so probably cancer and he goes “99.9%. But we have to have a biopsy to see where we're at.” And then that Monday, I had an MRI, Tuesday a biopsy, Thursday got the results, and started kind of piecing the doctors and the team together with the help of my primary and my surgeon. It happened very quickly. You know as well as I the words “cancer.” It's pretty frightening, but you're not sure how to react.
[00:05:03] NC: Yeah, it's shocking because you're just in complete denial. Yeah.
DV: Yeah. You're like it takes you, you know, kind of blindside you.
NC: And so how many different doctors did you piece together to be part of your team?
[00:05:14] DV: I saw a chemo oncologist first, Dr. Gillespie at UCLA, and then a surgical oncologist and then a radiation oncologist. And Dr. Namazie called me up. He helped me piece together some of this, and he goes, “I don't care what they tell you at UCLA. Do not do the surgery. For your condition, they love to do surgeries. But it isn't going to help you. It's just going to cause more scar tissue. It's going to get you and deeper.” So he said, “just refuse it all the way. If they really push you on it, call me and I'll call down to the oncologist. I know him well.” So UCLA is very cool because it goes in front of a tumor board, which is a bunch of doctors sitting around in a circle going, “What's the best way to treat this patient?” So, I let my chemo oncologist and radiation oncologists know that I wasn't interested in the surgery. And my chemo oncologist said, “Luckily you saw me first, or the surgeon would be your primary point. You would be getting the surgery and you don't need the surgery.” So he kind of reaffirmed that.
[00:06:29] NC: What was the diagnosis?
[00:06:31] DV: It was stage-four head and neck cancer. And then the treatments started maybe two or three weeks after that. So it happened very quickly because it had progressed so far. You lose your voice partially from the cancer, but mostly from the treatment. So that's what I was up against. Radiation would make you lose your voice. This is if you live. Or it could make you lose your voice, could make you lose your swallow muscles. And then the chemo can make you lose your hearing. And so since my work is in film, in audio for film, I talked to Dr. Glaspy about that, the chemo oncologist, and he came up with the regiment that would save my hearing. And so there was no hearing damage.
[00:07:20] NC: Yeah, thank God.
DV: Yeah. And then the radiation is pretty devastating to the throat, and they just basically give you third-degree sunburns, inside and out, five days a week.
NC: Agh. So 2 to 3 weeks after you were diagnosed, what was the schedule between radiation and chemo?
[00:07:40] DV: Yes. So I was diagnosed June 15, started July 1. That's how fast this happened. “What are the treatments going to be like?” He's like heat up 100 ball bearings to about 1000 degrees and just kind of gargle with those for “oh, for three months. That's guys that is going to feel like.
NC: Agh!
DV: He didn't have a great bedside manner.
[00:08:01] NC: You're like, dude, you know, you couch it just a little bit. I mean, thanks for the honesty, you know...
[00:08:07] DV: He goes: “You're not you're not going to be able to swallow.” He goes, “Look, if you lose 40lbs, we're going to put a feeding tube in you. [If] you lose your swallow muscles, it's going to be a mess. So try and keep your weight up.” I go, “Well, how am I going to keep my weight up?” He's like, “Get Ensure.” And then so I did the math: I had to do three a day. Yeah, three Ensures. And I had to take morphine, liquid morphine, to be able to swallow the Ensure.
[00:08:32] NC: Oh my God.
[00:08:33] DV: And the Ensure was disgusting. And then when you go through chemo, you get the metallic flavors and all that, which is delicious, which makes it taste even worse. But I'm drinking it in tears, trying to swallow. It took me about 45 minutes to swallow one of those boxes, and I had to water it down because it was so thick, I couldn't get it past my swallow muscles or it’d just get stuck in my throat. So I did that, three times a day. And that is all sugar. So then I end up starting to lose my eyesight because you become pre-diabetic. So all these other effects started to happen. You're really not getting any nutrition, so you lose your energy. You know, all this kind of stuff. So I don't know what caused what, but it was pretty horrific. The treatments. And then what's odd about this cancer, and I know it's a hot button these days talking about vaccinations, but they vaccinate women for this for cervical cancer. It's the same virus and HPV. And boys can get vaccinated as well.
NC: Yeah.
DV: And it's become like a crazy epidemic. The radiation rooms are filled with people with head and neck and cervical cancer just filled.
NC: Yeah.
DV: And it's growing, especially among men.
[00:09:55] NC: When this happened with my eye, they mentioned that. They said that is actually a risk factor. You know, with HPV.
[00:10:05] DV: Oh, wow.
[00:10:06] NC: You know, because it's squamous cell which is associated with that. And I was like, ugh! In fact, Derek, I think we were at the coffee shop and you and I were joking, “Sex is bad!”
[00:10:17] DV: I know, right?
NC: Sex gives people cancer!
DV: Everybody just don't have sex.
NC: Just stop. Everything about it is making people very sick and filling up radiation rooms! So July 1, you start treatment.
[00:10:30] DV: And unfortunately, July 4th was a day off. So it just extended the end of my treatment, which I was like, no, you guys got to come in! I want to get this over with.
[00:10:40] NC: So how many days of radiation, and then how many days of chemo and how are they staggered?
[00:10:45] DV: Five days of radiation every day till September 14.
[00:10:49] NC: And chemo started...were you doing it concurrently or it was chemo?
[00:10:53] DV: Chemo at the same time we did treatments once a week. Yeah, I know. It was a six-hour infusion. And it's crazy because I'm sitting there going, my chances of living are pretty good. But you're looking at children sitting with their moms and the children are bald and it's heartbreaking. Walking through these infusion centers is super eye-opening. It's hard to watch. But it makes you appreciate each day after that. My oncologist, Namazie, when I went to see him, and talk about a course of treatment, he goes: “This is going one of two ways. You're going to get super depressed, you're going to live in your cancer and think about it every day and your life is going to be wrapped around cancer for the rest of your life, or you're going to have a new appreciation for life. Everything's going to change, and in two years you're going to come back and go: ‘I'm not glad I had cancer, but best thing that ever happened to me.’” And he was like, “Maybe you should make that choice before you leave this office today.” That always stuck with me.
[00:12:10] NC: So you finished treatment end of September. You went through a ton of rehab to get your voice back, strength back.
[00:12:19] DV: Yeah. So it affected me pretty badly. I couldn't speak for six months and I started being able to like kind of string sentences together a little bit. First of all, you lose all your saliva, so that's an issue. You got tons of teeth problems, but you also have just tons of scar tissue in your vocal cords, things like that in your throat just from third degree sunburns every day.
[00:12:45] NC: Yeah.
[00:12:45] DV: So I decided to get a vocal coach. Then I found somebody who kind of specializes in voice rehab through this app called voicelessons.com. And his name is Allen Rascoe. And this is probably six months before COVID, before the lockdowns. He took me on, and it was online, which was great. With the lockdowns, we all had a little time off. I picked up the guitar again after 20 years. I ended up going through a divorce. Big life changes. It made me go through gigantic life changes. So I started playing and I was like, oh, I'm going to write a song a day. So I did that for 150 days of COVID. And then I told my teacher I was like, oh, I wrote all these songs. I got my buddy Max, he's going to sing on them. And I sent him some recordings and he goes, “Max is great, but you're going to sing on the album.” And I was like, “Alright, we'll see about that.” You can give me one more year. So we went one more year of lessons, and then I was able to record, I think 13 songs with 2 to 3 takes, all in one day.
[00:13:57] NC: Oh my God.
[00:13:58] DV: By the end of that year.
[Interlude of Derek singing on the album]
DV: And then after two years of vocal lessons, he was like, “Your throat is looking almost perfect.” He was like, “The scar tissue is almost unnoticeable.” And he goes, “I've never seen this.” So now UCLA is prescribing voice lessons with rehab coaches for head and neck cancer.
[00:14:37] NC: I would love to talk about how you were feeling as all of this unfolded. You mentioned that you went through divorce, that there were big life changes and that your doctor said to you, “make that choice.” Are you going to wallow and identify with having had cancer or are you going to make the choice to stand in your power and really choose yourself and forge new pathways, (which you 100% did). I know that what predicated that divorce was some really difficult realizations about how your partner was not there for you.
[00:15:12] DV: Yeah, at least not in the way that I needed.
[00:15:14] NC: Yeah. Can you talk about that?
[00:15:16] DV: Yes. I would be home alone on the weekends, and she worked a lot during the week and then would be gone on the weekends. And weekends were the worst for me. That would be me driving myself to the ER. Or, like, you know, just horrible because you have a week of building radiation and burn, and then the weekend comes and it's really awful, especially Sundays. For some reason, that second day after the treatments was just horrible.
DV: So I went through defending her for a long time and then one day I was like, “Wait. Why am I here and why am I defending that behavior?” But when you're in it, you can't see it, and nor should you. You have bigger things to think about when you're in it.
[00:16:00] NC: Totally. Yeah. You're focused on getting well, that’s all you can think about.
[00:16:03] DV: Yeah, that's a bridge down the road. So you cross that later. First you got to get there. So I did. And it was a very decisive moment. I was just like, that's it, done.
[Interlude of Derek singing on the album]
[00:16:42] NC: But it had been building up for I think it was what, a year from when you finished your treatment to when you made that decision?
[00:16:48] DV: Yeah, it was almost exactly a year. Because even after the treatments, you're so sick because you're just depleted, you still can't swallow, you still can't eat, you still can't build energy, things like that. And I realized, you know, I was totally blessed to have all these people in my life at the time. And the one shortcoming was just my relationship. My family was there, my friends were there, my friends would take me to my chemo, friends would take me to radiation. So I had a really good support network while I was going through all of this.
[00:17:24] NC: But the relationship, your marriage, how did you need her to be there for you in a way that she was not?
[00:17:34] DV: I think just physically present.
[00:17:36] NC: Yeah, just being just literally being there, right. Like in the room and home with you, particularly on those weekends.
[00:17:43] DV: Maybe take me to treatments. Do, you know, things like that. Things that I think I would do for another person. And reflecting on it, you want your partner to be there 100% when you're going through something like that. I would do that for a friend. I’d do that for people I don't even know. Like, people are like, can I get a ride? Like, yes.
[00:18:05] NC: I experienced that firsthand with you.
[00:18:07] DV: Yeah, well, that's what you do.
NC: You recall?
DV: Yeah.
[00:18:12] NC: So what did you take away from this experience? Not only about how others weren't showing up for you, because that was obviously an eye-opening revelation with your spouse at the time. So what did you take away from that, particularly about how you either were or weren't showing up for yourself and what needed to change?
[00:18:32] DV: So for me, I was always supervising films, supervising, sound, mixing. I was always in charge of that or leading that kind of group. So. I had trouble asking for help. I'd be like, oh yeah, I'll just do that. I thought I could kind of do everything. When you're brought down to, like almost bedridden. You realize that you can't do it all yourself, so that being there for yourself is being able to ask others for help when you need it. Some people are very good at that. They can ask for help, they can ask for support. I had a lot of trouble before cancer, but two weeks into it I had no trouble at all because I couldn't even drive. So I think you don't always have to be the strong person for your friends. You can let your friends have strength for you. So that was kind of my big aha realization, which actually brought me closer to all my friends. And you realize, oh yeah, they want to do that. That's what friendship is. It gives them purpose in your relationship also, because it's not just about going and getting dinner or going to the beach or whatever, right? Friendship. It's a lot bigger than that and it took cancer for me to realize the importance of letting friends be there for you.
DV: Receiving. It's hard. And I don't know if it's my generation, because it seems like...I take a lot of interns and I mentor a lot of people. Young people are way smarter than people from my generation, but it's awesome to watch. Jacob was one of my favorite interns that I've ever had. I'd be like, “Hey, we got a mix coming up in September, October,” and he’d be like, “I'm going to be in Hawaii.” I'm like, “You're what?” Because I would have never thought in my life to go, no, I'm doing something for me.
NC: Yeah.
DV: Like you don't do that in the film world. And then at first I was like, wait a minute, you can't. And I was like, wait a minute: you can.
[00:20:47] NC: You can. And I need to learn from you about that.
[00:20:50] DV: Yes. And I did learn from him. And the next one and the next one and the next one that like, I think they saw their parents work themselves to death and they're like, “Yeah, dude, I'm not doing that.” And my friend Rick, who drove me a lot to treatments, he goes, “Man, every day we're here on this side of the dirt is a blessing.” So, you try and do something cool with every day you're on the planet, and it's life-changing. If you just go to work, just eat dinner, just watch your show, go to sleep. Are you living? I mean, I wasn't.
[00:21:35] NC: What are some of the things that you do? I mean, we're going to get into some of the big stuff you do in a second, but, you know, on a daily basis, what are some things that are examples of that?
[00:21:42] DV: I'll try and write a song every day, or like part of a song every day. I'll go to an open mic and just watch people because it's always awesome. The amount of talent in the world is amazing. So I'll go watch people and then I'll play open mics just to work out new songs and things. I'm like a comedian in my approach where I have to go work out my new material, and you find out what works, what doesn't work. I started working less. I started saying, no. There's films, “Yes, man,” or whatever. Like saying yes is the key to opening your life up to all these possibilities. When I really think saying no is. I think it's the opposite of that. Say yes to things that maybe you wouldn't have said yes to, which is taking time off, doing whatever cool things. But saying no is more powerful to me than saying yes, because it opens up your world in time and space.
[00:22:45] NC: Exactly. Someone said recently, every time you say yes, if you committed to something that you really didn't want to do, you've now closed the door to something that you did. But if you're like, no, that doesn't really align with what I want to be doing or my values, I'm going to say no to that. Even though it leaves this open space. And I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that open space. It's like, but now you're open to the things that will come in.
[00:23:06] DV: And much cooler things come in. Even like when I would say no, I would say no to films I didn't really want to work on, and if I had said yes, I wouldn't have got that film a week later that I really like and thought “Oh wow, I just read that script. That's amazing.” I would have locked myself out of that. But more importantly, you lock yourself out of living.
[00:23:25] NC: So you. Picked up the guitar again, went through vocal rehab, started singing again. Ended your marriage. You just completely forged a new path for yourself. Really took like your cancer experience, I would say, by the horns and said, I need to go after the things that make me come to life and I feel alive doing them and say no to things that I was just taking on to be busy and keep my business going and all of that. So tell us about that transformation and how you're showing up differently now for yourself in your life.
[00:24:03] DV: So I started music in my twenties and toured, but there's like a wall you hit where if you don't really make it, in a sustainable way, you kind of out-age yourself. So you look at your life and you go, “Oh, I got to give up on my dreams to make a living and buy a house, do the American dream, whatever.” And then you have cancer many years later, and it's a much more open world to somebody who couldn't have pursued music at this age, 25 years ago.
[00:24:40] NC: It's almost like you hate to say the stars align because the stars aligned to cancer is like bullshit.
[00:24:45] DV: They did align though. Oh no, cancer is horrible. And everybody I know knows somebody going through it, is going through it, has gone through it, has lost people to it, has lost friends and family. It's devastating in most ways. But there is brightness on the other end of it as well. Like I'm sure you've experienced the world a little differently.
[00:25:10] NC: Completely.
[00:25:11] DV: Eye cancer opens your eyes probably in a different way.
[00:25:15] NC: I talked about like the metaphysical meaning the left eye is the window to the soul. And I think you might I might have talked about this, but that I really did see it as my eye, literally and figuratively, being open to circumstances in my life that did not serve me. So you're a role model on that path. Certainly for me, and for lots of people. And I'm glad to hear that people going through head and neck cancer are reaching out to you about your journey, too.
[00:25:40] DV: Yeah, and it's one of my favorite things is talking to people through this. Even if I make it one percent less horrible for them, because it's going to be horrible. It's going to be horrible, but there is a treatment. And would you rather have the worst treatment with a good prognosis of living? Or like a super easy treatment with, “Yeah, but you're going to die.” So you make that choice and everyone's like, “Oh, you're so brave. You went through it.” I was like, no I’m not.
[00:26:10] NC: You don't have a choice, right?
[00:26:11] DV: You don't have a choice. You don't even know what's happening. It happens so fast. There was like, no bravery.
[00:26:16] NC: I mean, it's courage, right? Like courage is feeling the fear and pushing anyways, because you're like, I don't have a choice, you know? So you've been cancer free. Is it six years now?
[00:26:26] DV: Five and a half years.
[00:26:28] NC: Oh that’s good. But I think that is one thing about a cancer journey is. Recurrence is on your mind for the rest of your life.
[00:26:36] DV: It is a little bit right. It gets less and less each year. The only thing scarier than the word cancer is every time you have to go back for a checkup.
[00:26:52] NC: No kidding.
[00:26:53] DV: Yeah, because for that 48 hours before you basically have cancer, especially at the first checkups.
[00:27:01] NC: How do you manage that fear?
[00:27:03] DV: It just subsides over time. You just let it be. Because everyone's like, oh, don't be afraid or don't be in grief or don't be...it's like you have to be all those things.
[00:27:15] NC: You have to be present to it.
[00:27:16] DV: And you have to be that for as long as you need to be. It's like if you have to be in grief for five years because somebody died or ten years, there's no “Get over it.”
[00:27:27] NC: Yeah.
[00:27:28] DV: Like, no, your soul, your body, your mind just needs that time to grieve.
[00:27:34] NC: So I would love to talk a little bit more about that because I know you and your fiancée, Jae, practice meditation and mindfulness. How has that been helpful to you in this journey?
[00:27:48] DV: I'm not as good as her about that. I'm a little ADHD. I'll sit down to meditate and then start doing math or writing a song or thinking about I got to go to the DMV, but I don't do that mountain biking. So.
[00:28:03] NC: Oh, so that's meditation for you.
[00:28:04] DV: I get on a mountain bike for 3 or 4 hours and then I don't think about anything. Also writing a song. It's just like word vomit for me, and then I'll start putting it together. So I don't really think about anything like it just kind of either comes out or doesn't, and then I'll go ride my bike. So I think that's my meditation is being on a bike.
[00:28:28] NC: It is your meditation. And that's I think the songwriting is almost probably like at least initially, a form of journaling for you. And riding your bike is your meditation, but both of them sound like they put you into a state of flow and mindfulness that kind of help you get present.
[00:28:45] DV: You're totally present. And mountain biking when you're going down something very technical, that is all you're concerned with. And then the meditation is the climbing for me. I'm like oh, it's a three-mile climb, and then I'll just kind of sit back and go as slow as I can. People are always shocked that I can keep my bike upright at that speed, and that's my meditation up the hill. And then coming down, you're focused, more focused than anything in my life, for sure.
[00:29:16] NC: But you have those modalities, if you will, that serve you, that you have at your fingertips pretty much any time to help you kind of process everything, which is really awesome.
NC: Speaking of that, I really want to hear about how you turned this experience into so much goodness. You have an album that came out in November 2021, Wildflower.
DV: That's right.
NC: And you and your beautiful fiancée, Jae, just moved from L.A. to Colorado.
DV: To Colorado!
[00:29:48] NC: So tell us about how life is now.
[00:29:53] DV: LA is...and I love LA. People talk poorly about it, but yeah, you drive an hour in any direction in LA and you're in a different place, a different time, a different existence. Like you've got Palm Desert, you're in the sixties. Or you can go to Santa Barbara or you can go to San Diego, you can be in Mammoth, which is near the highest peak in North America. And then you've got the ocean, of course. And I lived a block from the biggest park in the US, which is the Santa Monica Mountains, 130,000 acre park, which is great for mountain biking, trail running, walking your dog, whatever you want to do. But. There's a buzz in LA like it's just energy all the time. There's always traffic, like the city is alive all the time. And then we moved here and nine out of ten errands are me walking or riding my bike. I mean, the mountains are incredible. But even Denver, which is pretty flat, it's up against the Rockies. Every corner you go to, there's a park.
[00:31:00] NC: It's just nature everywhere. Yeah, there's a sense of calm that you don't get from L.A.
[00:31:05] DV: There is. And there's bike paths everywhere, so everything is different here. It makes you want to be more attuned to nature.
[00:31:14] NC: What does this chapter represent? How does it feel to be embarking on this from a mental, post-cancer new chapter with new fiancée?
[00:31:27] DV: I'm giddy because I grew up in Colorado. I grew up in Denver and being back and seeing my nieces who are young, having nature, outside, not having traffic, we know every neighbor's name and we know their dogs. It's a slower way of life. People here also I’ve noticed, have balance. Like 5:00, the park is filled with volleyball players, and they turn off the profession. Which I've really never learned to do, living in LA. And I had a studio in my house that I built, and I was mixing films out of and had a lot of clients over. So work for me was...until I fell asleep. And even then, I'd wake up at two in the morning with an idea and run back out and be like, “Oh, let me try that.”
[00:32:18] NC: When we started the conversation, you started it saying I was a workaholic and that was the first thing out of your mouth in this conversation. And now, you know, it's been five and a half years of you cancer free. You've really found a way forward it sounds like. It feels authentic, it feels peaceful. You have a great partner in your life who is 100 percent there for you. You've learned things about yourself, asking for help, reaching out, not working all the time.
[00:32:49] DV: Which lets me see friends develop my friendships more, be with people I want to be with. It shows you what's important because a minute with a good friend is worth...a lot more than a day at work.
[00:33:02] NC: So what's next for you musically? You've got the new album, you've been doing interviews and you're touring. What's next?
[00:33:09] DV: I got a lot of new songs that I want to start recording.
[00:33:13] NC: So you are amping up what you're doing in music. Still going to be doing some movies? Or are you kind of like feeling like you want to shift that balance even more as you go forward?
[00:33:24] DV: I think if the right projects come along and I have some distance from it that I'll probably do a few more. There's one in January, I just read the script. It's amazing. So it'll be pretty easy to twist my arm on that if they end up wanting me.
[00:33:43] NC: But as you shared earlier, you know, you can say no more to say yes to these kinds of opportunities that really light you up. And that's awesome.
[00:33:52] DV: And if I don't get it, I got a bunch of other cool stuff to do. Just try and march this music. That's something I'm going to pursue full-on. I'm going to push hard, at least for a few years, see what happens.
[00:34:06] NC: Derek, you're rock star. Thank you so much for sharing your story, being transparent about everything, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate you as a human being and a beautiful soul in the world. Thank you.
[00:34:19] DV: Thanks for having me on.
[00:34:22] NC: There are so many wisdom nuggets from my conversation with Derek, but these are the ones that really stick with me: For those of us lucky enough to survive cancer, the journey can go one of two ways: You can identify with cancer for the rest of your life, or you can see it as the best thing that ever happened to you — the thing that gave you a new appreciation for life, that forced you to stand in your power, choose yourself, and make new choices that change your life course for the better. Every day we're here on this side of the dirt is a blessing. Try to do something cool with every day you're on the planet: it's life changing. Meditation and mindfulness come in many forms. It doesn't have to be sitting crisscross-applesauce in silence. You can find it in cycling and making music as Derek does, or like me on long walks or while power cleaning around your house. Think about what activities clear your mind and bring you to a state of flow: that is your meditation. The metaphysical aspect of suffering is key. When I first met Derek, he shared that he felt he'd lost his voice in his marriage, and then cancer attacked his vocal cords.
[00:35:35] NC: But the journey led him to literally and figuratively reclaiming his voice and his dream as a singer songwriter. The loss of my skin and toenails helped me understand how I failed to set strong boundaries to protect myself. And ocular cancer opened my eyes to situations in my life that weren't serving me, and, in fact, were harming me. Pay attention to what your body is telling you and look deeper for the meaning and the lesson it might carry about choosing yourself.
Here For Me is produced by Lens Group Media in association with Tulla Productions. My deepest gratitude goes out to Derek Vanderhorst for sharing his story and to the people I am blessed to work with in bringing this show to life. Dave Nelson, Stacy Harris, Amy Kugler, Amy Senftleben, and Amanda McGonigal.
If you like what you hear, please follow Here For Me, and leave us a review. Until next time, I'm Nicole Christie. Thank you so much for listening. Here's to you being here for you and to the power of choosing yourself.