Kelly Henderson | Public Pain, Personal Recovery: Finding Strength in Gentle Healing
Kelly Henderson, celebrity hair and make-up artist, stylist, and host of the popular Velvet's Edge podcast, reflects on her experiences in the public eye, particularly her role on a reality TV show and the fallout of a public friendship. She shares how the aftermath of these events affected her perceptions of herself, but also was a catalyst for healing and growth that changed how she shows up for herself and in the world. Kelly highlights the significance of self-love and the journey inward as pivotal steps toward fostering a happier, healthier life and more fulfilling relationships. She also discusses the significant role that therapy, especially somatic work, played in her ongoing healing journey.
Show Notes:
Listen to Velvet’s Edge with Kelly Henderson
Connect with Kelly on Instagram
Listen to Nicole’s Velvet’s Edge podcast episode: Awareness: I Am Here For Me with Nicole Christie
Learn more about somatic therapy
Read the book Signs: The Secret Language of the Universe
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Nicole: [00:00:00] Hey, everyone, it's Nicole, here to welcome you to a new year and a new mini-season of Here For Me.
We usually take January off to recharge between seasons, but we have two very special episodes that are perfect for this time of year, when most of us reflect on what's behind us, look ahead to what's before us, and wonder how we can become the best version of ourselves to show up for what a new year will bring.
In a world that seems to only throw bigger, scarier challenges and circumstances our way, where cities and institutions and corporations and relationships seemingly crumble in what we refer to on Here For Me as “tower moments,” we’re perpetually faced with opportunities to rebuild and revive.
It's the theme we're exploring in this mini-season: what it means to lose friends, community, the support system you leaned on, learning to rebuild your world and revive yourself. How that may be a daunting task, one we never dreamed we'd take on or wish on anyone else, but one that cracks us open so we can clear out what no longer serves us and closely examine what's within us.
We'll hear how this unfolded and what reviving oneself looks like from two inspiring fellow entrepreneurs and podcasters, I've had the joy of getting to know, love, and learn from: Kelly Henderson, creator and host of the Velvet’s Edge podcast, and Allie Casazza, creator and host of The Purpose Show. They'll share their journey of losing so much, only to gain the greatest gift finding themselves.
These are revival stories that will inspire you to go within as this new year dawns. Happy 2024 and welcome to the Revive mini-season of Here For Me.
Kelly: [00:01:51] I have to say my truth because it's starting to really catch up with me in my body, and I don't ever want to do what was done to me. But unfortunately, this is a public situation and it was a public discussion. And so the repercussions have been very public. And I have to be fair to myself and find my voice publicly to be able to move forward in my own life and get unstuck.
Nicole: [00:02:18] Welcome to Here For Me, a podcast about the power of choosing yourself. I'm Nicole Christie, and I'm honored to be here with you to share life-altering stories, lessons learned, and advice from leading experts that will help you show up for yourself with the love, honor, compassion, and encouragement you give to others. Because just as we say, I'm here for you to show we care for someone, saying I'm here for me to ourselves is the best form of self-care.
Today I'm talking with Kelly Henderson. Kelly is a Nashville-based hair and makeup artist and wardrobe stylist who works with celebrity clients such as Dierks Bentley, Jordan Davis, Lily Rose, Kip Moore, the cast of “Nashville,” and CMT. Her work has been featured in Glamour, Rolling Stone, People, Us Weekly, and more.
She's also the founder and host of the popular lifestyle blog and podcast Velvet's Edge. From the outside, Kelly's life is one many would categorize as a glamorous life on set and on tour with country music stars. But Kelly's journey is a great reminder that we're all fighting a hard battle, regardless of what our life looks like. We can all relate to having a falling out with a friend, which is often littered with misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and the loss of something that was once precious to us.
But most of us won't experience this publicly on national television with someone in the public eye, as Kelly did. She joins me today to talk about how this experience affected her, taking her on an emotional roller coaster that resulted in self-doubt and self-abandonment, yet ultimately led her on a healing journey back to herself.
Kelly, I am so honored to have you on to share your story. And I know this is an emotional topic for you, so I want to start by thanking you for trusting me to go on this journey with you. And I also want to thank you for doing the same for me.
So as a bit of background, Kelly and I met in May of 2023 when I was a guest on her podcast, Velvet's Edge, and we talked about surviving and thriving after experiencing narcissistic abuse. And you so beautifully held space for me to share my story and created a safe place for me to do so. So I am truly honored that you are trusting me to do the same for you and your story.
Nicole: [00:04:42] Yes, and I really do. That actually made me a little emotional to hear, but we did have such an instant connection. And anytime I hear anyone talking about that kind of abuse or abuse in general, or even just going through a hard time, you know, it can be even toxic relationships. For me, it hits home so hard just because I've spent so much time kind of swirling in my own stuff with that. And so I'm really glad that we got to have that conversation. It was equally as healing for me, and I really appreciated it.
Nicole: [00:05:13] I love that, yeah, there was a kindred spirit connection.
Kelly: [00:05:17] For sure. Yes.
Nicole: [00:05:18] So I'm honored to have you on today to talk about your journey, your healing journey back to yourself, and the particular story that we're going to talk about.
I would love to start at the beginning, because some listeners may be familiar with the story. For others it will be completely new. But tell us about you, your work, and how this friendship unfolded.
Kelly: [00:05:42] I am a hair makeup artist and stylist in Nashville, Tennessee. I've been here since 2004, so I've been doing that job actually since about 2007. And about a decade into my time in Nashville, I started a blog that's called Velvet's Edge, that transitioned into the podcast that I still have today, also under the same name, Velvet’s Edge, and during that time made a friendship.
And it was through an ex-boyfriend who was friends with the ex-husband of the person that I became friends with. So I was friends with the ex-husband first and had a very long standing relationship with him, and he was like, I need her to meet some cool girls. You've got to, like, put on a show, show her what's here. And we instantly hit it off and we just had so much fun together, and we became really close friends.
Nicole: [00:06:32] And you ended up going on a television show that this woman was on?
Kelly: [00:06:37] I did. It is very much not my personality, and I have been asked to be on multiple reality shows just because I work in the music industry, and I think my career seems very glamorous and exciting on the outside, and I've always turned it down. It's just not really who I am.
But what I did start to understand from my podcast was, if I started to tell real stories about myself, I started to connect with the audience in a different way, in a real way. And that's what feeds my soul. That is the thing that lights me up more than anything. It's why I still love doing my podcast, and meeting people like you, is just hearing people's stories, connecting on a deeper level, even through something traumatic and helping each other out.
You know, like you and I have never met in person yet, I've had some of the most healing conversations in my life with you. Like, it's, it's a beautiful experience to me to connect with humans like that.
However, I had just kind of hit this spot in my life where I'd been working really, really hard. I had a full time job, and then I created Velvet’s Edge, which took off in a way that I wasn't expecting, and I was overwhelmed all the time. Like, what am I doing? How can I manage all of this? I really didn't have much of a personal life anymore because I was working so much, and I just knew it wasn't healthy, and so I was sort of in this spot of like, I need to let go of something, but I don't know what it is.
And I've been with most of my clients for a long time, so I can't imagine just walking away. But I especially can't imagine walking away if I don't have something I'm walking into.
And she had had this show in the works and I knew about it, but it was based off of a business that she was building, and it was supposed to be about the people that worked at the business. But she said, you know, E called me this week, the network that we were on, and they need me to have a friend on the show. And so you're up.
She kind of didn't even, it wasn't really a question, but she's like, no, but it really would be good for Velvet’s Edge. You really should think about this. And because of where I was work wise, I thought, is this a sign? You know, is this the universe trying to say to me? Here it is. You've been wondering what you're supposed to do. Here's the moment. Like, lean in.
And I was scared. But I had also at that point, I had started the podcast. So I just really started to think, maybe this is like the next transition of my life and maybe I need to do that. So I thought about it. It wasn’t like I said yes right then.
But the other thing that was presented to me was you won't have to be on the show that much. We don't have to talk about anything you don't want to talk about, and I'm an executive producer, so I will always have your back.
Nicole: [00:09:12] So what unfolded that then took on a life of its own on the show?
Kelly: [00:09:17] That's always the question. People ask me what happened. And my answer is your guess is as good as mine. They essentially character-assassinated me and lied on the show for season 3.
Our show was on right after the Kardashians and the whole Jordyn Woods, Kylie Jenner, Khloé Kardashian cheating scandal with Tristan Thompson. And as I said, the ex-husband and I had a relationship, longer than I actually have with this friend. And he would film with me because we were buddies. But I always knew, like, I gotta make him laugh.
I got to show up and make it fun and that would be a better scene. For some reason, people read that as us flirting. It was never, ever, ever scandalous in any capacity. When the rumors started, it was just like a couple tweets.
She and I discussed it. She was like, people think that y'all are having an affair. And she was like, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard. And I was like, well, do we address it?
And I had talked to the network about it in my publicity call, and I was like, this makes me uncomfortable. And she said, no, we don't discuss because then it makes it a story, so don't mention it. Go about life as if everything's normal.
So I did. He was on my podcast. We're asked to tweet about the show, so I tweeted about him. Just like I tweeted about everyone else. I thought there was nothing going on. I was just like, we're just ignoring this. We're not paying attention. But I guess in this like off season, when she was off filming that other show, something was going on that I wasn't aware of.
What I've figured out now is that she was getting some texts from other people, like, is there something going on? People that didn't know me. I've been cheated on. I would never put myself in that position. I would never do that to a friend specifically, but I wasn't being told.
So we were about to start filming season 3. She and I were on a text chain with a producer, and I was like, I'm really excited to see you guys and start filming again. And that just set her off. And the response was, oh, now you're excited. And I was completely thrown. So I immediately pick up the phone to call her, did I do something that I'm unaware of? I don’t, you seem mad, but I don't know why. I asked to get together and discuss this or get on the phone at least.
And I was put off and I'm saying, hey, I would never want to hurt you. And if I have, help me understand what I did because I would love to apologize or make it right. But I was put off.
And then I got a nasty email the next day telling me how terrible I was of a human and how I was playing this affair thing as if it was actually happening for my own benefit. I wrote back, apologized immediately, but did say, hey, here's what's going on for me. This has had nothing to do with you. I am so sorry if that is how this has come across, never my intention. And then I was basically told that of course I would make this about myself.
We got together one time. There was a lot of back and forth of, one day she would be fine, the next day she'd be like, no, no, no. I changed my mind. I can't do this. And my therapist was like, you really need to stop engaging. So I did. But that was played out on the show as if I didn't try at all and completely shut down.
Nicole: [00:12:31] You know, the story starts hitting the media and you're not on season 3. You're doing what you need to do to protect yourself. I have to disengage from this because it's not serving me, which is great advice.
You're being accused of something you did not do, you would never do. Were you starting to feel like this was going to be something that would feed into a storyline?
Kelly: [00:12:52] For sure. We went to a coffee and I thought everything was fine.
And then I was asked by her to show up for the Christmas special that we were filming. They edited that to make it look like we were giving each other evil eyes, and that never happened. Ever. I mean, it was awkward, but I was like, this will just take us a minute to work back our friendship. But after we filmed that, I received a text that basically was, I thought I could do this, but I can't. I'm not over this.
And I'm still like, over what? What did I do? I don't even understand. But I got that text and I immediately was like, she just wanted to get me to film the special because it's a bad look for her if I don't. The way that the timing worked out, she was already setting it up to create this storyline.
And the other reality is, as a friend who you have for almost a decade, the easiest out is, Hey, you don't want me on the show. That is fine with me. There's so many other options versus making me into this person I'm not.
The storyline could have been, Hey, Kelly doesn't want to do the show anymore. She's working in the music industry and it was too much. Easy. Done. Move on. Have other storylines, but I don't think they had any other storylines.
Nicole: [00:14:07] It's terrible enough that it's happening between you, and you're seeing it positioned in a certain way on a television show, and now it starts hitting everywhere. How are you feeling through that?
Kelly: [00:14:17] After they had finished filming season 3, she started to do the press for it when it was about to come out. So I had been just in this limbo place of hearing from the producers every now and again. But knowing I wasn't going to film, because the one scene that I had filmed after that Christmas special again, I knew I was being set up and I told them point blank, I'm not here to do that. I'm not going to get in a fight with her publicly.
I'm 100% down to try to work this out behind the scenes, but that's not why I signed on to do this show, and that's not what I was told was the reason that I was going to be on the show.
Also, I was heartbroken. This was a very long friendship, so I was in shock, could not understand how we couldn't sit down as two adult women and get to a place of trying to understand each other's side, because to me it wasn't volatile. It was very much a situation where I was very willing to hear any sort of harm that I had done. Even if it was unintentional, I would have definitely apologized. That's just how I operate.
I'm a very human person, and I'm always willing to make amends or try to do things differently to make a relationship work.
The other piece of what was happening is, as it was being discussed, you know, publicly, people only read headlines. So the headline was basically that I was a homewrecker and there was an affair happening. And even though she would say in the article, I know nothing ever happened, nor would it, people only would read the headlines.
So I started getting death threats. I was just getting shit on as like, you are the worst person. And anything that I would post for the business that I had been building for a long time was also being shit on. So it was discrediting my work as well, which was really upsetting.
The other piece was I was in a relationship and he had two children. So a year later when their divorce was announced, it kicked up again because people assumed it was because we had had an affair. And I was sitting at the breakfast table with my boyfriend and his two young daughters, and TMZ starts blowing up my phone and I'm like, How did they even get my phone number?
I start getting phone calls about, Do I want to make a statement? And I just lost it because these two little girls, who I want to be a role model for, are going to read that I'm a homewrecker, and so far from who I am as a human, or what I had done in that situation. Like, not even close.
But when you read these stories, it doesn't seem like that. It was one of the worst days of my life. We didn't turn on the TV and they're talking about it on Good Morning America and literally saying my name with the word homewrecker in it. And I physically could barely stand because I was so in shock that my life had taken this turn. It was completely the most shocking moment of my life.
Nicole: [00:17:16] I want to hear about the journey that you went on to overcome this. How did you start to bounce back from this?
Kelly: [00:17:25] It took me so long to get there, you know. I think it's had to come in layers. I don't think I could go there all at once. The romantic relationship that I was in was also really dysfunctional, but the way the universe gets my attention is never like one thing comes in.
It's like, Hey, we're going to send you three of the exact same scenario where you're playing out the same exact pattern over and over and over. You're showing up in the exact same way. And, you know, even if it was betrayal or dysfunction, the toxicity of it being one sided, not being able to have productive conversations or communicate, it was showing up in my life in three different relationships all at that same time.
And I shut down. I had to stop doing social media, which was a massive part of my job. Uh, we were also in a pandemic. My whole career in music was on pause because nobody was touring, nobody was working, nobody was doing shoots. It was just major panic.
So I was in survival mode and I started to get the awareness of, Oh my God, my romantic relationship is not good for me. This is not a healthy situation. And it took me a really long time to get out of that one. Like it took me about a year and then another year of the back and forth of dealing with that. And then a work situation that was really showing its face and then I could get to this.
And so what's recently, even in this past year, been coming up is I've been really resentful, but I've also been really stuck.
I am a creative human and all of my jobs are very creative. I've had no creativity. And to feel so scared to make any posts on social media, like so scared, like I could cry every time I even put a story up on Instagram. So what that's looked like this last year is starting somatic therapy and really trying to get this stuff out of my body.
Nicole: [00:19:26] You have been very candid about the healing journey you've been on, the work that you have done in therapy, somatic and otherwise, to look at how you show up in ways that don't serve you.
I think you and I have talked about before, there was a reel on Instagram, that empathy can make you a safe harbor for other people's demons. And that as beautiful as empathy is, it can be a dangerous thing. When you look at these three relationships, like you said, you, you get them in multiples. You know, the universe goes bam, bam, bam, here's a whole bunch of them at once.
What have you learned about yourself on this journey, and what's been helpful to you as you heal and grow to show up in different ways?
Kelly: [00:20:07] Uh, first of all, every time you say that quote, it hits me because it is so true. And I think that empathy has been one of the greatest assets of my life. And then it's also been one of the hardest parts of my life, and it's gotten me into relationships and situations where there has been a lot of betrayal. And I've trusted too easy. And this isn't to be like, Oh, I'm a victim. I'm definitely not. It's just kind of blinded me, I would say.
I think I just assume that everyone sees through the same lens that I do like. They see people, they see the world. They want to heal, they want to grow. They want to do the things that I want to do. And that is not actually true. I am finally starting to realize that, that, a lot of people aren't doing that, and they won't be, and I'm never going to change that for them. And that's okay. This is completely their own journey and I've got to let go.
But my healing journey, first of all, it's a daily thing. And I had actually started it way before any of this ever happened. I started diving into these things when I turned 30. I'm 41 now for reference. So it's been over a decade.
And you started and you think, oh, I'm going to get fixed. That's what I used to think, but it's not like that. And now I just really have settled into this different narrative, which is it's just giving me the tools to handle this world and this life and developing a relationship with myself.
Like this situation and the other two situations, I think they had to be as big and as hard and as public and as catastrophic to all aspects of my life, for me to look in the mirror and finally realize that my relationship with all of these people wasn't really the thing that was the most broken.
It was the relationship with myself, and I didn't have one.
So of course I was going to be susceptible to opening myself up to situations or people or even work dynamics or anything that was not going to serve me because I was just looking for who I was and all these other places.
And now what I would say that I've gotten to really is just being able to get quiet with myself on a day to day. And not feel such an anxious energy about like, Oh, I have to do this. I have to like, I have to do fertility because I've got to have kids because I'm almost 40, and that's what women are supposed to do. I have to get married by this age. I have to make myself successful by this age. You know, like, I had such a panic about all of those things. And it's kind of set into me, at with all the work that I've done, that none of that shit is the shit that matters.
Nicole: [00:22:55] And there's no script and there's no rulebook. You don't have to do any of those things if you don't want to or they don't serve.
Kelly: [00:23:02] You know, let me tell you something. I've started gardening. Okay.
Nicole: [00:23:07] I love it. Well, I’ve seen your farmer posts on Instagram. You're like, you guys, I'm a farmer now.
Kelly: [00:23:11] It's so simple. But I'm just so happy and I'm so peaceful when I'm doing those things. And when I'm in the hustle and the grind all the time, like that is just not who I am. But it's who I felt like I had to be.
And I think I had to get really lost and really broken and lose it all, to be able to stand in some form of it now in a resolved, freer, more detached way. Knowing that this is all just a gift for the day, in this moment, these things that I'm going to do.
Like I have a client playing Red Rocks and I'm going and we're working and I'm super excited. That is a place I've never been. I think it's going to be really cool. That moment will be that moment and what a gift that moment will be. That doesn't guarantee that I'll get it the next year and I'm not going to attach my worth to whether I do or not.
And finding this place of what am I getting in this moment? Will I get it tomorrow? I don't know, but I got it today. And that is really great.
Nicole: [00:24:22] I think the gift of detachment, I've also been through this, is one of the hardest lessons to learn. Especially, like you were talking about the Red Rocks experience, something that you are excited about or something you desire and you want it. But to be able to like, let go of what it means is so difficult. But I think that is a powerful thing that people can certainly, you know, explore in therapy.
How do you show up in relationships, whether that's a romantic relationship, a friendship family, someone you work with differently now as a result of this experience and the work that you've done to heal, then you did, let's say even even one, two, five, certainly ten years ago. What does that look like for you now?
Kelly: [00:25:09] I have recently been dating someone new and my experience has been so night and day from any dating scenario I've ever experienced. He's great and I'm sure that has a lot to do with it, but it's mostly because of where I am in my life and in my relationship with myself.
When we first started dating, there was a couple situations that came up, and we had to kind of navigate these tough, just like adult life stuff that you don't want to deal with. But we had to talk about them really early on and stating, Here's what I can show up for and here's what I can't.
But I've never been able to do that without demanding it out of fear or just not saying it at all, again out of fear, of losing the relationship. And so for the first time with this person that I really like, I'm really attracted to, I think he's amazing.
I was able to hold him really loosely and say, I really like you. I really am attracted to you. I think you're great, but I really like me more.
Nicole: [00:26:10] Oh, I love that. I have goosebumps right now.
Kelly: [00:26:13] Not from a bad place of, I like me more in like this narcissistic way, but I have worked all really hard to get to know myself in the way that I do right now. And I'm really excited to continue on that journey and stay with myself on that journey. And so I cannot abandon myself again just to keep some guy in my life.
If he stays, it would be great, but if he doesn't, I'll be okay. And I know that now.
And the interesting thing is, he has responded so well to that. It's just been a lovely experience of if you stay with yourself, the right people, they're going to come to you and the right situation, the right job, all of it.
You really do attract how you feel about yourself. Every relationship we have, every situation I really do think is a mirror of what's happening on the inside of us. So unfortunately for me, I don't think I really liked myself that much or valued myself. And so all my relationships mirrored that right back to me.
Nicole: [00:27:22] I'm curious. Something I recognized in myself because we have similar trajectories of caretaking and codependency and rescuing. Did you feel like it was almost your job to make sure everybody else was okay before you were?
Kelly: [00:27:38] Always. Oh yeah, I mean, and I have to turn that over every day because I think another piece of the empathy is I feel what other people are feeling.
So when someone else is going through pain, which ties back to the situation I was in, is I knew my friend was in a hard time in her relationship. And I knew she had triggers from her past experience on TV and in the same situation. So my therapist pointed out to me how quickly I would give her the grace and go, but I know she's doing this because, you know, this is trauma from her past. And she was like, yeah, but what about yours? What about all the things you experienced?
Nicole: [00:28:16] You're invalidating your own experience.
Kelly: [00:28:18] Exactly. And I really have had to stay with myself. It's the reason telling my story has been so hard for me. Because I just know what she's been through.
But I have to say my truth because it's starting to really catch up with me in my body, and I don't ever want to do what was done to me. But unfortunately, this is a public situation and it was a public discussion. And so the repercussions have been very public.
And I have to be fair to myself and find my voice publicly to be able to move forward in my own life and get unstuck because I'm tired of being stuck.
Nicole: [00:28:53] Yeah, I think that's the most important thing about telling your story.
When you speak your truth, you set yourself free. But at the same time, what you're doing by speaking your truth and sharing your journey and how it showed up for you, particularly in your body, is healing to other people.
It's like, Oh, she's gone through that. Other people who are listening have also gone through it.
I can speak from experience that when I didn't listen to my body, it spoke to me in really ugly ways, as you well know, from talking about it, you know, on your show of, you know, my skin peeling off, losing my toenails, eye cancer.
I've told the story about how cancer settled in my tear duct and the place that I see out of. So being able to see clearly and then being able to express emotion, whether that's telling your own story, speaking your truth, or feeling what you're feeling, I'm glad that you're talking about it and you're talking about it in a very respectful and compassionate way.
And I love how you hold space for someone else's difficult experience. I mean, just publicly, what people know about someone's marriage falling apart, you had nothing to do with that. But I feel you having empathy for someone who hurt you.
Also, you know, you're a sensitive person and an empath. You realize that hurt people hurt people and you want to help them, but at the same time, it's like, it's not my job to make you feel better after you've hurt me. And you seem to have come full circle in that. That's a hard lesson to learn.
Kelly: [00:30:22] Yeah. And I think when eyes are watching, anything is more difficult. So I think that's why I've wanted to retreat and I have, I mean, I essentially have just stayed out of it.
And whenever all of it was happening, I didn't respond in any way. I actually accidentally responded, and it was picked up in a million places. And I was like, Oh, it was that feeling of, I just want to get in my bed and hide under the covers for the rest of my life, and nobody look at me.
That's not feasible for the life that I have, and I have to get back to, Wait, that's not who I am. The biggest challenge for me to go, but who am I?
And when you have voices in your head of narratives that other people painted about you, it is very difficult to lay those down. And they still come to me anytime I'm talking about this situation and I'm constantly analyzing my behavior like, did I do that? You know, we talked about this a little bit.
Nicole: [00:31:19] Accountability. You're going to examine your role in it and be accountable for it. And if you can't sort out, you're like, but there isn't anything. It's a total mind fuck
Kelly: [00:31:30] Well, right, and the reason I also know that that's true. And thankfully I have this amazing support system, but my friends were more pissed off about this situation than I was for a very long time and really upset.
My clients, the ones in the music industry, they were pissed because that's not how I am and they know it. And thank God for them, because I had to trust what they were saying about me before I could actually start to reassure myself and that I couldn't get there myself. So they held the space for me to be like, no, this is who you are. Don't forget this. This is who you are. Not that.
And so it's taken me three years to be able to do that for myself. And I have good days and bad days, but it's like when I start to go there now I catch it and I'm like, no, you aren't the victim. You don't play a victim. You've always gone and done work on yourself in every hard situation you've been in, even when you've been betrayed. And that's how I handled this situation too. And so that's not a victim.
Nicole: [00:32:31] It's not at all. You're owning your experience. And then I think the work is as you've done on yourself, What is it about me? Not that I did anything to deserve this, but what is it about me that causes me to get into these scenarios that really don't serve me, don't put me into a good place emotionally or physically, and then the work that you have done to heal that. And I love that people in your life who are a support system, particularly clients, that's really a beautiful relationship. They were a mirror back to you, even though you couldn't look in it for a while.
And that happens, right? Like you think about people we've known in our lives, we hold up a mirror to them and they run because they're like, oh, I'm not ready for that. They held up that mirror. But then you learned to be your own mirror.
And I love that, you know, it's come through in boundaries in your new relationship or saying, this is what I will tolerate or won't tolerate, or how I'm able to show up or not show up. If you don't like it, you know, then I guess this wasn't meant to be. And trusting that and being okay with it and not worrying about a fear of abandonment, instead just trusting that things flow into and out of our lives the way they need to.
And like you said, it's, you have good days and bad days. That's part of the process. Healing you and I've talked about this is not linear. It's it's sometimes…
Kelly: [00:33:48] That corkscrew.
Nicole: [00:33:49] It is. I love that analogy. You gave me that analogy, the corkscrew. It goes up and then it goes down and then you're like, well shit, I have to regroup. And being gentle with yourself and having self compassion during those moments is incredible to see.
Kelly:[00:34:04] Thank you. I really do feel like the way that I'm making decisions now, and this is has also been so incredibly healing for me, but something I've had to learn because of the hard stuff is…when I walk into a relationship, I'm not going to say, you can't do that because that bothers me.
It's more for me to show up as my best self. I know the situations I need, I know how I need the environment to be. I know what kind of person I need to be around. I know the friendships that I really excel in, and so it actually has nothing to do with the other person.
It's just like, are we even compatible? Is this job compatible for me? Because if I don't choose those things, I'm going to show up as that version of myself that I showed up in during that TV show or during that dysfunctional relationship. And I don't want to be that person ever again.
Nicole: [00:34:55] Do you feel like you're molding yourself to the environment just like, you know, oh, I've certainly done that. Oh, I want this boyfriend for whatever reason, because I like the idea of this person. And so I'm just going to mold myself because I'm a flexible, amicable person, right. Or whatever the job is.
You actually put it beautifully earlier that, when you choose yourself and you understand who you are and what you need and how you show up in the world, you attract things to you and you're in alignment.
But you've got to really believe that at a gut level. I think I've thought I was at times in the past and it was like a wink wink. I wasn't really, um, but now you're just like, I don't mold myself to anything anymore because that's self-abandonment.
Kelly: [00:35:34] That feels very true for me. And it's still difficult, though. I will still find myself on little things on the day to day, just going with things like and, it's a small form of self abandonment, but I feel when I'm doing it and I try to be really gentle with myself because again, it's like that corkscrew, we're never going to get it perfect.
That is the thing that I've learned from doing this work for a decade is, it's just never going to be perfect, and I'm going to mess it up.
But the more that I shame myself about that, the more I go into the old version of me. So the best thing I can do is gently look at myself and go, ah, I'm doing that thing again. And I don't like the way that feels, so how do I do it differently?
Nicole: [00:36:13] That mindfulness is so huge. Because I felt the same way where it was like in the past, I would abandon myself even in those little ways, unconsciously not knowing I was doing it. And if someone called me on it, I would excuse it and my voice goes up when I'm lying to myself, it's like, well, no, because actually, I mean, I and I have recognized that now.
So, same. I think part of the healing you're right. You're not going to get it 100% of the time. You're not always going to choose yourself or advocate for yourself 100%.
But the next step of healing is exactly what you're saying of you do it and you go, I'm doing this thing again. I had an incident last year where my ex needed something from me while we were going through the divorce, and in that moment I was like, if you do this, you are completely abandoning yourself.
So if you're going to abandon yourself, you're going to do it with awareness. And I did it and I wasn't happy about it. Yeah. I was like, he wants me to do this thing for him. I shouldn't do it. The growth I've had today, I probably be like, no, I'm not doing that. But it was very fresh and I was still feeling guilty and whatever. But I did know, yeah, in that moment, he wants this thing, you know that you shouldn't do it.
You're going to totally give up two hours of your Sunday afternoon that you deliberately left open to go read a book by the pool, and you're going to give it to him instead. You're abandoning yourself in this moment. Okay, so I did that, came home, learned the lesson, was real gentle and kind to myself for the rest of the day. And, you know, read the book by the pool.
But the shame from inside or from other people doesn't help. You just have to understand it's not linear. There might be some things we heal 100%, but most things we will not know.
Kelly: [00:37:51] And you said that to me too. I don't know if we ever fully heal from the trauma that we go through, but I do think that the healing work is to find the tools to do exactly what we're saying and be gentle with ourselves.
Or, you know, there are certain days and right now, like I said, I'm trying to work through posting on Instagram. It's very difficult for me. I know that sounds small to probably anyone who's listening, but because I've had so much trauma around people saying negative things to me, getting death threats, I'm scared. Like my body physically reacts. But it's like one of those things like I, just gotta keep doing it.
And I've got my people and my support system to help me to figure out new tools and ways that I can do it in a slow but steady way. But it, again, mostly is about being gentle with myself and kind of that self acceptance.
But what I hear you saying is like the awareness piece, like, that's the biggest piece. We can't change anything we don't know.
So until we know it and until you start recognizing it in your day to day, like, how are we going to do anything different?
Nicole: [00:39:01] Yeah, the awareness piece of it is just being mindful in the moment of exactly what you said. I'm doing the thing right now.
For 40 years, you didn't even know when you were doing something that was self-abandonment. That's tremendous growth.
Kelly: [00:39:15] Yeah, I feel it. It's interesting to watch the people who've been in my life forever notice it. A lot of people have said to me, you seem the most happy, content and just solid that you've ever seemed.
And someone actually gave me a really good compliment the other day where he said, there is like this new quietness about you.
And I thought it was such an interesting thing. And I said, what do you mean, quietness? And he goes, I guess that's not maybe the right word, but it's this confidence, like, you don't have to speak, but your energy is felt in this totally different way. And I thought that was so interesting. But I think it's just contentment.
Nicole: [00:39:52] Yeah. And also it's, I think the relationship that you have with yourself is visible externally. Now to people of contentment, as you said, um, comfort and also probably a self-assurance and maybe a self-containment. That's actually a word that I've been playing around with a lot of just feeling like I am enough as I am, I am valid, my experience is valid. The things that I want and that I need are valid and I believe it.
And when you believe that from within, as you do now, having gone through this tremendous journey in multiple relationships and having this happen and unfold in the public eye, to be in that place is a really beautiful, full circle moment.
Kelly: [00:40:31] Yeah, it feels like that. And it's like this quiet confidence. I don't need to talk just to be heard.
That was a validation chasing thing and I just don't feel that need anymore. But I wasn't even aware that that was happening until someone else pointed it out.
Nicole: [00:40:44] If I can surmise, I think it's because you see and hear yourself.
Kelly: [00:40:49] Oh, that makes total sense. So I'm not constantly looking for someone else to see and hear me.
Nicole: [00:40:55] Yeah, you're like, I don't really need to be seen or heard unless there's something I, like you said, I need to state outright because it needs to be said or it needs to be heard. But when you see and hear yourself and you're validating yourself, you just show up as this self-contained person.
I remember it was actually the conversation when I left my ex-husband, and I think you and I've talked about that. I had an emotional toolbox to be able to, you know, be in the relationship and then to leave it. And then I'd also done a lot of work to get physically strong because I needed my outsides to reflect my insides. The strength I had emotionally, I needed to see physically.
And one of the things I said to him in that last conversation was, I have a backbone now that I never had before. And he said to me, I've seen it. So I was like, right? So for ten years you knew it wasn't there. And suddenly you're like, I can't penetrate that anymore. Shit.
So as with your friend, when people see that from the outside, you really are showing up in self containment, self awareness, and showing up true to yourself in a way that you never have.
Kelly: [00:42:02] Thank you for all of that. The way you just said that. It is interesting because I think I still attach it to outward things. And so because I feel like I'm still picking up the pieces on an external level, you know, and like rebuilding, I'm like, really? That's what it looks like.
But the reality is, and you're completely right in saying this, is the fact that I'm still standing and surviving and have a deeper relationship with myself, and I'm communicating in new relationships in a completely different way, and I'm showing up in old relationships in a better way.
The fact that getting betrayed didn't just make me shut down, I would say that's probably one of the things I'm the most proud of, and actually think it only made me kinder and more empathetic. I think I'm just a little more protective about who I give that energy to, but I do feel a capacity to love in a much deeper way, because I love myself in a deeper way.
Nicole: [00:43:00] And, you know, you hear that, that you can't love anyone else until you love yourself. People think that, that you can. But you know, it does come from a deeper place.
And that level of discernment. Have you found relationships falling away?
Kelly: [00:43:14] I would say I've been really, really lucky. My support system and my friendships are deep, and I'm still great friends with people I've been friends with since I was eight years old.
Relationships have always been a huge priority in my life, which was also one of the reasons this situation was so difficult to be publicly talked about. Like, I just was very flippant about relationships because, again, just so not me.
But I would say the more surface relationships, I don't have capacity for it anymore. Like I can become quick friends with someone when I, when like we did. You know, just when we can really go deep, I can immediately feel a capacity with you that I know we could have a deep relationship. And that to me is an energy I'm very drawn to.
But if it's not there and I just have to be honest with myself about that, and remember, when I go to those relationships seeking anything other than that, I'm going to get frustrated or be let down.
So, like, as long as I can keep them in the lane that I know that they can thrive in, then I'm good. But otherwise, yeah, it comes back on me. And it's just that to me is when I'm kind of like, oh, you're doing that thing again. You're trying to get this person to have a really deep conversation about relationships with you, and that ain't going to happen, and they just.
Nicole: [00:44:30] And they just won't go there. And I think it's seeing people where they're at. I had a therapist once that was like, does every friend you have have to be everything that being a friend means to you?
It's okay that this is the person that drops you off at the airport, and you kind of are acts of service friends. Then there's the friend that you can call at any hour and tell anything to, even if it's like, this is really unflattering, what I'm going to say to you, but that friend will not judge you. And this recognizing that and then knowing I don't have to make that huge effort to try to build this into something. It's also a beautiful awareness.
Kelly: [00:45:04] Yeah. And I think what I've realized was my insistence on things being the way that I needed them to be. It's really kind of disrespectful to other people's journeys. And when I look back at my situation on TV, I knew that that relationship had major limits, and it was really something I started to realize in season 2.
So I did start to pull away in certain ways because I was actually getting scared as I was recognizing certain things that I did not like in another person. So I was like, okay, I need to have some boundaries. But I wasn't very good at knowing how to say or set them. Unfortunately, that was a very public situation. That's not normal to where a falling out like that would be public, but that relationship had limits and we were very different humans.
It was always going to have limits, but instead of us being able to talk about it behind the scenes or kind of drift away like you maybe normally would in adult life, it had to be a big public falling out, because that's reality TV. And one of the main feedback things that I would get are like, hate things that I would get is, you signed up for this.
Let's be clear here, that is not what I signed up for. I did not sign up to get death threats.
If anyone painted the reality of reality TV out for you in the contract, I don't think a lot of people would do it. But that is not what's pitched to you, and especially if you're a person who's been busting their ass for a really long time and is kind of presented with this thing of, this will take your business to the next level, it's really hard to turn down.
And I just would say to people, before you judge, get the whole story and think about how you would handle that, because I think it's really easy to sit back and judge people and say, well, I would never go on reality TV.
I also said that and I turned it down multiple times, but this situation felt different to me and was presented differently. But what I signed up for was not to get hate and be accused of an affair I didn't have, and to get death threats and things ruined in my life. I definitely didn't sign up for that.
Nicole: [00:47:08] And especially, I think the difference, the way that I see it is someone you considered a dear friend, so it feels like it would be a safe place.
Kelly: [00:47:16] It felt like it should be.
Nicole: [00:47:18] So just coming full circle. Everything that you have shared, everything that we have reflected on. What is the most important thing you've learned from this experience and what's next for you?
Kelly: [00:47:30] What is next for me? You know, I feel very open. I still am doing hair and makeup and I still do styling in the country music world.
I've been with my clients forever. I love them, I mean, some of them are like family to me, so I feel really lucky that that is back after Covid.
The Velvet’s Edge podcast is still going, and my goal with that has just expanded even more from this experience. I just want to keep talking about situations that could be hard, but seeing people prevail, similar to what you talk about. And I just really love connecting with humans on a human level. Not the perfect level, not the pretty picture that we see, but on a deeper human level and spiritual level. Because I really do believe we're all connected in some capacity.
So helping people find places to do the kind of healing that I've done and the different facilitators, because I'm very exploratory with all of that and I'm not scared of it, I love it. I love talking to people who can tell the world about all the gifts that they have and maybe kind of normalize those conversations.
I'm just open right now. I really do feel confident the universe is going to provide whatever is supposed to be next for me.
So this is a part of my healing journey talking about this. So thank you so much for giving me the space to do that, because I have had a very blocked throat chakra for the past four years. So this was a very important step for me to open myself up to what the universe has for me.
Nicole: [00:49:02] Well, I am honored to have had you on the show, and thank you again for trusting me to walk that journey with you.
And I hope that we opened your throat chakra a bit.
Kelly: [00:49:13] My therapist will be so happy.
Nicole: [00:49:15] I'm so, so glad and I love what you put out in the world. And, you know, I’m reading a book called Signs that you recommended, and by the way, I recommended it on another podcast yesterday. I was like, Kelly Henderson from Velvet’s Edge recommended this book.
But I love that you are normalizing the conversation around spirituality and healing. And you and I have bonded over astrology and tarot and all the things. So thank you for having these honest conversations.
And I really do think the greatest way that anyone can prevail is falling in love with themselves. And you've done that. So kudos to you.
Kelly: [00:49:47] Thank you.
Nicole: [00:49:48] Thank you so much.
Kelly Henderson embodies one of my most favorite virtues in a human: the ability to be both gentle and strong. What I love about Kelly's story is that the context of it doesn't really matter. It's not about reality TV. It's not about people in the public eye, or show business, or Hollywood gossip. It's about what Kelly said, that every relationship we have is a mirror of what's happening on the inside.
If you lean toward the woo woo, the spiritual, as Kelly and I do, you believe every relationship is a soul contract intended to teach us something. Sometimes it's unconditional love and acceptance as Kelly's experienced with long time friends and clients. Sometimes it's painful and disorienting, as she experienced with this public implosion of a friendship and the realization that her romantic relationship and a work situation were also dysfunctional all at once.
Some relationships last a lifetime, others for a season. But all of them push us to embody our highest selves, to choose ourselves.
Any time we've been in a relationship or situation that wasn't serving us, we often wonder why we stayed so long. But divine timing works in mysterious ways. I believe you stay engaged with something for as long as it takes to learn the intended lesson, even if that means walking away and returning to it over and over until you turn your back on it for good.
Growth isn't linear. It isn't easy. It's messy. And as Kelly and I discussed, it's never over. Sometimes you carry the pain of something from your past, not because you refuse to let go, but because the memory of it will keep you from making the same mistake. If I learned anything from Kelly, it's the importance of unpacking an experience and seeing what it says about you.
Where do you need a deeper, better relationship with yourself? How can you look inward and be your own rock so you don't need anything outside you, a person, a job, anything material, to be an anchor?
Detachment doesn't mean you don't have desires or goals or love for other beings. It means that even if you don't get what you want or if it falls apart tomorrow, you'll be okay.
The only attachment you need, the one you must have is the healthy one to yourself. When you're truly aligned with what's for you, you won't let anyone knock you off course. But as long as you seek outside yourself for love, acceptance, validation, you're at risk for self abandonment.
As Kelly shared, her relationship with herself is the number one priority. Every single day, every single moment. My hope for all of us, even though it's often the result of painful circumstances, is that we can someday echo what Kelly said, I got to know me, and turns, out I kind of like myself.
Here For Me is produced by Lens Group Media in association with Tulla Productions. As is often said, it takes a village to make this podcast, and my deepest gratitude goes out to every person in that village. Our producers Dave Nelson and Stacy Harris, our audio editor, JD Delgado, designer and illustrator Amy Senftleben, and our production assistant, Sarah Carefoot. If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love it if you'd follow the show, rate, review, and share it with people you love. You can also follow me on Instagram and Facebook at nicolejchristie. Until next time, thank you so much for listening—here's to you being here for you and to the power of choosing yourself.